Definitely Not Just Another Day!

Another Brick In The Wall

2011-05-12T02:49:00.000+08:00

In the midst of a lonely night, i've arrived at a conclusion.

I'm no longer loving nor am i capable of love. I seem to have set aside my heart, left it some place else and just walked away because my life now has no love. There is no longer an interest to love nor the desire for passion. The spark has died within me… all that i am left with is my job, and a slew of digital media to entertain me.

I comfort myself with self-improvement, or the attempt to. I fail terribly. My room renovation project has been planned a year and so far, a gentle nudge in the right direction. A purchase for a new bed and paints brought to liven my entertainment room wall… but who am i doing it for? Does these things truly reflect me?

My driving and riding lessons… a heroic 2 years in the making, a third is possibly in sight.. why am i doing it? Given my history with Al, the alcoholic.. i'll no sooner be driving myself up a lamp post and ending up on the front page of The New Paper. That'll be really funny though.

What i'm truly feeling, what i'm truly desiring… it's been so long since i marched to the beat of my heart that i can no longer hear its' call. Who am i? At this moment, i am just another brick in the wall.

A Few Small Repairs

2010-11-27T00:26:00.002+08:00

Okay, so I made a mistake. I definitely slipped up and it’s one that I have made often times in my life but somehow it really struck me deep this time round. At the age of 27, I have no excuse for letting my life slip away from me and to keep repeating habitual follies.

I am a grown man for christsake! In 3 more years, I’ll be considered mature by others so why I am still acting like a goddamn child who fucks up every situation and every good thing that’s ever gone my way?!

This new coming of age has been hell through and through. I don’t think it’ll go very easy on me… perhaps I’m being punished, I really don’t know.

What I will do though is to push forth with my life; I need to make a difference in myself. I need to get over getting sick and tired of myself. I need change; a transformation even but it will all have to be in baby steps.

Until I learn to grow, be constantly mindful of my being and start feeding my soul, I will also be here. Stuck, sad and miserable.

Time to make a few small repairs to keep the days from going by while walking on a wire. Time to make a difference and believe in life.

BACK BacK back

2009-11-26T05:59:00.003+08:00

Yes... i'm finally back.. i've come home to my sanctuary of sorts, the place where my mindless ramble settles and lay bare for all.

These past few months have been nothing spectacular, all just work and play pretend. To appear to all that i am fine, happy and content... where not a soul could understand the depths of my desolate being. So many things have happened and yet it felt like nothing is worth talking about. They feel just like... water, like when you try and gather them with both hands and irretrievably they slip.. away. It's all intangible, almost unreal.

Was hoping to start off with a happy entry... guess not. Tough luck for myself, bummer.

What will this year be like?

2009-05-31T20:50:00.004+08:00

Gasp! I wan..

2009-02-03T14:12:00.002+08:00

Lily Allen - The Fear

2009-01-20T01:05:00.001+08:00

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and f@#kloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

Chorus
I don't know what’s right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I'm being taken over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and passing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I’m packing plastic
and that's what makes my life so f@#king fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
and its not my fault it's how I'm program to function
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

Chorus
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I’m being taken over by The Fear

Bridge
Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything is cool as long as I'm getting thinner

Chorus
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by fear

mindless tired ramblings

2009-01-20T01:04:00.000+08:00

I'm happy for you; to know that you are doing well in your career. All thoughts of you are banished from my mind, well almost all, but from time to time the mind lingers. At this stage in my life, i wonder where is it that i'm heading towards. Am i really still that nonchalant carefree fella that's doing what his heart tells him or am i just a shrewd opportunist trying to squeeze every single drop of chance given to me? It's funny, was given a comment that i'm picking up your traits but irony is, i think you picked up more traits from him then me from you. Wet tissues to clean the dashboard, pulling out plastic covers from ktv remote controls, etc. Sometimes there's a tinge of pain just looking at him cos he reminds me of you and sometimes i look at him, wondering what were the qualities you liked about him and how you guys might have been the perfect couple. You messed up... big time. Now i'm wondering whether i'm gonna mess up big time as well. Never a good idea to mix friendship and work together, especially when it's someone as fucked up as myself. I seriously am not capable of handling stress, and most of the time, i don't even know i'm stressed until i descent into a breakdown. I don't want to be given a job out of pity and i seriously want to do well in this but all this time, i just feel so weighted down because of that internal fear that i'll let him down. The rambling continues, my mind needs to unwind...

Am i Eva or Peron?

2009-01-13T10:19:00.002+08:00

[Peron:]
Dice are rolling, the knives are out
Would-be presidents are all around
I don't say they mean harm
But they'd each give an arm
To see us six feet underground

[Eva:]
It doesn't matter what those morons say
Our nation's leaders are a feeble crew
There's only twenty of them anyway
What is twenty next to millions who
Are looking to you?

All you have to do is sit and wait
Keeping out of everybody's way
We'll ... you'll be handed power on a plate
When the ones who matter have their say
And with chaos installed
You can reluctantly agree to be called

[Peron:]
There again we could be foolish not to quit while we're ahead
For distance lends enchantment, and that is why
All exiles are distinguished, more important, they're not dead
I could find job satisfaction in Paraguay

[Eva:]
This is crazy defeatist talk
Why commit political suicide, there's no risk
There's no call for any action at all
When you have unions on your side

[Workers:]
A new Argentina, the chains of the masses untied
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Cannot be denied

[Eva:]
There is only one man who can lead any workers' regime
He lives for your problems, he shares your ideals and your dream
He supports you, for he loves you
Understands you, is one of you
If not, how could he love me?

[Workers:]
A new Argentina, the workers' battle song
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Rings out loud and long

[Eva:]
Now I am a worker, I've suffered the way that you do
I've been unemployed, and I've starved and I've hated it too
But I found my salvation in Peron, may the nation
Let him save them as he saved me

[All:]
A new Argentina, a new age about to begin
A new Argentina, we face the world together
And no dissent within

[Peron:]
There again we could be foolish not to quit while we're ahead
I can see us many miles away, inactive
Sipping cocktails on a terrace, taking breakfast in bed
Sleeping easy, doing nothing, it's attractive

[Eva:]
Don't think I don't think like you
I often get those nightmares too
They always take some swallowing
Sometimes it's very difficult to keep momentum
If it's you that you are following
Don't close doors, keep an escape clause
Because we might lose the Big Apple

But would I have done what I did
If I hadn't thought, if I hadn't known
We would take the country

[Eva:]
Peron has resigned from the army and this we avow
The descamisados are those he is marching with now
He supports you, for he loves you
Understands you, is one of you
If not, how could he love me?

[All:]
A new Argentina, the chains of the masses untied
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Cannot be, and must not be denied

[Che:]
How annoying that they have to fight elections for their cause
The inconvenience, having to get a majority
If normal methods of persuasion fail to win them applause
There are other ways of establishing authority

[All:]
A new Argentina, the chains of the masses untied
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Cannot be, and will not be, and must not be denied.

running on positive mojo

2009-01-07T03:17:00.000+08:00

It's been a strange week... my body feels out of sorta. Been sleeping way too much the past few days but everytime i wake up, a surge of positive adrenalin keeps rushing through my blood stream. Like a meter gauge that's slowly filling up, today it has finally reached it's optimum. Maybe it's the new job or maybe i have finally come to conciliation with my own soul but i feel young again, fresh again, green again. Like a child seeing the world for the first time, i have that sense of excitement and bewilderment. So many things to discover and so much to learn! I feel the thirst for knowledge and the yearning for enlightenment. For the first time in the longest while, my heart, mind and soul are headed in the same direction, racing hand in hand to a destination unknown. They no longer care nor fear, all they hear is the rapid beating of the muscular organ, a synchronized drum beat in anticipation of the journey ahead. An experience of a lifetime awaits, johnny boy.

Thankful

2008-12-22T07:00:00.001+08:00

Christmas is coming soon and everyone's scurrying around. Making plans, having parties, buying presents. Feels like it's all too soon, i wanna hide underneath the blanket and wait for it to ride over... guess i'm becoming one of those anti-xmas types.

What i do believe in though is Thanksgiving, i believe in being grateful with what life has given me and i am extremely lucky to have made three new friends during that low low period of my life. I think it's time to give a proper thanks to these people.

First up is XE, for the mindless banters and chats on msn. Thanks for providing me an escape from my own thoughts and for allowing me to be silly. The unlikeliest of friends but strangely we gel, okay, maybe not that much in person, haha, but yeah, i really enjoy our msn sessions. It reminds me of a different side of myself that i haven't seen in a very long time and you reminds me of myself in certain ways, a younger, more upbeat and zany character with a devil-may-care attitude to life. Thanks for allowing me to realize that all is not lost and for resurfacing that little part of myself that holds the magical sparkle in my eyes.

Then there's CFRD, another out of this world character, at least from my universe. Definitely the most unlikeliest of friends but somehow we became, guess chance and circumstance really came into play here. Your friendship and company is like a much needed whiff of fresh air into my then otherwise dull and depressive state of affairs. Thanks for making me realize that the man i love was actually never in love with me in the first place. It's a painful lesson to learn but something i needed to know in order for me to move on.. and only you were able to show me that. The irony of it all, yes, in my spite and anger, i would've liked to see the expression on his face if he comes to know. Now that the feelings are muted, i don't really care.. and there's less talk about him so a shift in our dynamics was a definite course of action. We have created a friendship out of that strange bond, for that i am thankful. At least some good came out of it eh? Lol. Though lately there's been certain problems and doubts but i certainly do not want to give up on this friendship, time will be a good factor to judge all things. Here's to 2009.

Lastly there's Ginger. Thanks for making me believe in love again, although at the moment i am incapable of showing any. We are still pretty far from anything but to have the opportunity of knowing you, i really have to thank the angels above for looking after me. Your companionship is sincerely appreciated, so much so that at times i worry about hurting you instead. Thanks for entrusting me with your confidence and for allowing me to be your confidant. I look forward to what the next year will bring forth for us. =)

So there, the three people who will end my 2008 with a blast. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Memories

2008-12-14T19:54:00.005+08:00

Nearly lost my phone a couple days ago but thankfully the cab driver who found my handphone returned it to me. During the couple of hours that i had time to reflect, i came to the conclusion that although the lost of contact would really be troublesome, the one thing that will really be painful to part with was a video clip that i hadn't managed to back up on my computer yet... my awkward auntie voice saying, "sing louder huh..", your tiny slitted eyes, the furry white bianca, the twinkling snowflake hanging on your mirror, our road trip moment.. never would i have thought then it would end, all at the crashing moment.

The memories, together with others, i'm slowing laying them to rest. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, feelings fade but memories remain.

Two Exhibitions

2008-12-10T08:15:00.006+08:00

It has been a while since i've involved myself with any form of photography. Mainly because of my sense of inferiority that distanced myself from this passion of mine. Chance would have it that these two exhibitions approach me, beckoning me to look, feel and connect with the images presented.

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Doubleness - Chang Chien-Chi

A documentary photographer, Chang Chien-Chi explores the view of human connectivity in an assortment of projects spanning over countries and over time.

What really touches me about his works is the raw, unabashed look that splays all across the photography. Not some cutting edge grit nor candy floss pretty, it just simply exists in its form, naked to the beholder.

Many thoughts were conjured in my mind as i looked over the photographs through the carefully planned space and lighting constructed to accommodate this exhibition. Emotions surged within my soul as i observed the "The Chain". Moving from one picture to another, my mind was in overload when i suddenly turned around to notice the life size portraits encompassing the entire art space, the magnitude overwhelms me.

The idea of distance between human; the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of it... just like a mantra i have been repeating to myself again and again, "You are not two souls intertwine but two souls inter-related..." Sigh, how i long to find a complete image of love and not just doubleness of a fragment (of that elusive image).

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Voom - Robert Wilson

I came across the interview with Robert Wilson on Prime Time Morning while traveling to work one day. A renowned theatre director, Robert Wilson was always fascinated by portraits, partly due to his lineage to a long line of painters in his family.

Not having the talents of paintbrush and canvas board, Robert took the idea of portraits to the next level. By incorporating his knowledge of lighting and drama while using the medium of film. he create moving stills, live portraits of well known socialites in various forms of pose. While some remain still as a monolith to the unobservant, others playfully tempt and tease with unexpected movements and antics.

Colours in the portraits are vivid and rich, the composition flawless and the lighting spectacular. Backgrounds were used specifically to tastefully accentuate or compliment the subject matter. It is exactly this kind of photography that i would aspire to achieve... to create a world full of memorable colours and cheeky expressions.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm not going into details here because i have been known to be long-winded but more importantly, whoever out there that is reading this... i would want you to go experience it for yourself, for my craftsmanship in writing can never do justice to the individual artist's work. My words are merely a window into my own experience. Now what your soul yearns to do is to experience for itself.

What i will leave behind is my favourite piece of art there, 'Boris'.

For... i am a tickling beauty in the form of a prickly cutie. =P

Eternity

2008-12-06T19:37:00.003+08:00

You'll be there... always away from me.
And i'll be here, always a distance from you.

"You were there for summer dreaming,
And you gave me what I need.
And I hope you'll find your freedom,
For eternity, for eternity."

I can finally feel the distance between us..
and this image is the perfect reflection of how i feel now.
The loneliness is getting easier to deal with
and i am finally embracing my independence.
The nightmares have finally faded away into the dark recess of my mind
while the siren's song of reminiscence, of love so pure and true, i can no longer hear...
I'm sadden by this fact but you would be glad to know,
I have finally moved on.

I who have nothing

2008-11-25T02:19:00.002+08:00

it's been a while.. a month and a half to be exact.

Truth of the matter is, i still can't get over you, over us.

I have been fighting. I have been trying to be brave... chin up, head high, out there facing the world alone. I hang out with my friends and i try meeting new guys, i make the effort to mentally banished every thoughts of you, yet somehow or rather... you are always at the back of my mind.

When i am at my weakest, my feet will always carry me to your place where i seat at your doorstep, alone in the dark and breathe in your scent that permeates the corridor. There i reminiscence about our past and think about what should've been. What could i have done to make things work? Did i really give in my all? There i convince myself to gather up my strength, take in the good times, forget about the bad times and just let everything go, move on with my life... easier said then done.

I am but only human.

You asked me why i apologize and said there's nothing to be sorry about... but there is. I apologize because i am weak, for being weak and for being vulnerable in front of you. I've made a point never to be vulnerable in front of others, you have your pride and i have mine... To unabashedly show up on your doorstep, uninvited, unwelcome... i have a lot to be apologetic for. I don't have much to give.. and as my way of saying sorry, i try to give back a fragment of our memory because i do not know what else i can do...

All the other times you were not there... i would seat by myself, slowly contemplating. I would fantasize about you coming back and finding me there by your doorstep and the scene thereafter would always be the same... i'll stand up, gather my things and walk down the stairs without saying a word to you. I guess real life situation is always different.

So there i am, a silent stalker. Someone who is furtively hanging on to the threads, threads of our past, our memories, of you. I hate myself for not being able to get over all this, i hate not being able to stand strong... what's wrong with me? WHY do i keep hanging on to the past!!

How much you mean in my heart... i am only beginning to understand.

I who have nothing can only give my heart, while you... who wants everything have no interest in what i have to offer.

Rest assured... i am trying my darn hardest to pick myself up. The demons that comes to haunt shall someday be slain and the phoenix within will once again rise from its own ashes. For now, allow me to do what i does best... deconstruction / self-destruction.

I am but only a scorpio.

Wake Up Call

2008-11-13T00:26:00.000+08:00

Forget it johnny boy, why get so agitated... don't let your past haunt you, if not you will never recover. Don't hang on to the sweet memories anymore because it only makes the bad ones even harder to forget. It's time to grow up and be mature about things.

Lies

2008-08-20T13:52:00.002+08:00

I told a big lie a couple of days ago... not really sure what to think of it but one thing i know for sure... this will be the catalyst for things to come. It'll be the end... it has to be.

Courage or Stupidity

2008-08-05T22:48:00.000+08:00

My mind is in a mess...

A New Chapter

2008-08-05T21:58:00.000+08:00

Been doing some thinking...

I know it has ended, we are only friends with no chance of getting back. Somehow i am unable to breakaway, my mantra of two souls apart hasn't been working out too well for me lately. There needs to be an absolution and during one period, i was given the option. Unfortunately i was unable to accept it, stubbornly refusing to give it all up. Perhaps it was indeed my mistake and we both ended up paying for it.

I need to be stronger, be a man about it. Ironic, i was just telling a friend that i don't even consider myself a big boy at this age (in terms of maturity), yet now, i have to quickly learn the role of a man.

Come the 6th of August, everything will change and a new chapter will opens up for me.. and for him.

Disturbed

2008-08-04T16:39:00.003+08:00

I used to have a stray dog once, his name was Xylus. Met him at my void deck one day. he was so cheerful, running around, trying to befriend anyone who'll play with him. I asked if he was keen to follow me home and he smiled. So it started, our friendship of 6 weeks.

Turns out he wasn't just a normal dog. Years of abandonment by several owners and abused by some, Xylus carried with him a heavy baggage. I took it on unknowingly, yet i cared and loved him as i would my child. At times, it pains me to see how the years of emotional scarring affects his life.

He was very much a puppy at heart with very good temperament, always ready to please but there was a dark side too. Sometimes, out of the blue, while playing in the living room, he would sudden hide under the sofa and refuse to come out. His gaze would sink deeper within himself with an aura of gloom building over. It's almost as if he's recalling something from his past, some dark ominous cloud that would just settle right above him.

Attempts to get him to come out would only serve to make him withdraw deeper into himself and once, when i tried to go near and physically pull him out, he gave a deep guttural growl, teeth baring. As my hand went inches from his face, he snapped and went at me. I remember my shock and hurt from being emotionally pushed away by him. The crazed look he had on his face was so contrasting to the loving gaze he gave whenever i cuddle him in my arms.

It seems that no matter how much love i showered him, it could never take away the years of pain and sadness that he had suffered before meeting me.

A recent incident sudden made me remember Xylus. I, too, am suddenly having to face the demons of my past.. re-

I can be happy and cheerful at one moment and suddenly bitter and sad in the next. Painful memory keeps visiting me like the ghosts before Christmas, flashbacks of what has been replaying continuously in my mind, the floodgate of remembrance keep gushing out and my will is unable to stop it.

So now it has become my turn to go through what my poor dog has to experience. As the dark clouds gathers and the rain starts pouring, i give a silent prayer.. hoping not to drown.

human

2008-06-15T16:18:00.001+08:00

What if... all in a day, the person whom you thought you knew suddenly becomes a total stranger? What if... the life you've been living is a sham, a visage of former glory spiraling downwards into total oblivion? What if... God comes to you in a different form, to give you grace instead of condemnation?

As i suddenly open up my mind's eye, as i slowly awake from my former sublime state.. lucidity sets in and all i can do is scream in silent horror... "oh god, what have i done!?!"

Before & After

2008-06-15T15:47:00.006+08:00

Okay, i'm probably the worse photo editor around, i know, i know, not that much changes to the photos... oh well, i'm still getting there. =P

Happy Tree Friends

2008-06-15T00:40:00.006+08:00

Is it just me or has my blog become somewhat of a negative space? I simply refuse to let this continue on... i'm moving on, evolving` and creating another blog. Yes, a happy blog, as happy as one can be.. maybe as cheerful as Happy Tree Friends, it's sordid but nice..

Baby Don't Need Me

2008-06-03T14:34:00.002+08:00

I'm not the perfect boyfriend and neither am i the most tender..

I can't give you the encouragement you need and i can't give you the support you require... that is because i have seen too much, know too much and care way too much.

I may be a fool in love, but i am definitely not a thoughtless fool.

So let the crowd lift you up, you are your own rock star in your domain. The attention you crave shall be sated, the comfort you seek shall be granted and the adoration you want... shall be yours'.

Can anybody tell me how much is truly enough and can anyone tell me if a person can ever fill an empty stomach... much less an empty heart?

Kimchi Chegay

2008-06-02T14:03:00.016+08:00

Finally managed to sort out my iTunes again!! *>_<* For the 2nd time.

First time i did that and stored the files in my external hard drive... it crashed so spectacularly that it requires a $720 a pop CPR resuscitation to revive it... i decided it was time to let go.

Luckily i was able to retrieve most of the music collection from my now-defunct iPod so i shall not complain. I am blessed..

So now it's on to my next task.. to photoshop all the pictures in my iPhoto collection. This way i can brush up on my editing skills and at the same time present a more organized and prettier looking pictures for keeps. =) The first set that i've completed.. my trip to Korea in 2007 for my 2nd sister's wedding.

Enjoy~

No, i didn't forget about the eye bags, i just prefer an au natural look on myself. =P

That's my eldest sister and my nephew.

More of the little precocious one.Mother and child.
The family portrait in western costume
More on the bride.
I was on the trip with my 1st sister to attend my 2nd sister's Korean Wedding. They had one in Singapore before this. Her MIL in the picture, reminds me of my mom. =)
That's adiyos for the wedding, it's on the photo whoring. =P
It's all bats off on this one.
Proving to everyone how much of a showstopper i am.
hmm.. don't know what to say or do...
How about some hand actions..
Some body movements..
Okay, i think this settles it.
Me and my Hoodie.
Super 'bo liao' editing in this one.
I removed 2 boys from the background and added in one additional blue spotlight.
No problem! Got rid of a nosey lady that was directly behind me!

Showstopper!! Erm.. more like flasher.

Conclusion.. i should be doing photo hunt inspired photos. Now you see it, now you don't. Haha!

Splat!

2008-05-31T02:43:00.001+08:00

I don't really know how to say this... but i think for the first time in a relationship, i am scared. I am scared because i feel that this is the last of me, a tiny fragment of what i was, a tiny fragment of myself that hasn't fell apart and broken away from me. I have given too much of myself away and what's left of me, sometimes even i am shocked by what i see, surprised at the stranger that i've become.

If you've noticed..i have become very quiet recently but for me, i don't feel that i'm quiet, i am just very cautious... cautious of my actions and cautious of my words... because i'm tired.. tired of having another senseless argument, tired of tripping over your emotional threads, tired of being witty, tired of being accused, tired of being wrong.. all the time.

So after movies i keep my mouth shut... every questions or comments made by you suddenly becomes a flashback of all the arguments we have about it. Me not being substantial in my comments on the movies seen... i'm sorry darling, i thought it was just casual talks, not some debating issue where i have to take a side and argue the hell out of it. I must've been stupid cos it seems that i am always wrong.

I've made things all about you.. it's what you wanted, isn't it?

Every single time we have an argument, you somehow have the incredible ability to twist the story... whatever i was previously upset about becomes an issue about you and you end up getting even more upset than myself and i, the previously upset person have to be forced to put aside whatever i'm upset about to cater to your temperamental needs.

You are selfish but in your mind, you think you are a very giving person. Certainly you wouldn't spare a thought to care for your friends or pay for my expenses outside but you don't realize that there's more to it then the physical stuff. You are selfish with your time and your needs. So many sacrifices and changes i've made for you... have you noticed?

Whenever we reach home, i'm the one who keeps our slippers and sandals away.. do you say thank you?

Whenever you are hungry, i'll always be the one to walk to the nearest food stall to buy you lunch cos you are too lazy to do so.. do you really appreciate it?

Whenever i'm in Clementi and you ask me to come over to Joo Chiat cos you're lonely... i do it because i love you.. do you REALLY appreciate it?

You didn't like it when i kept asking you where you were and what you are doing right? Have you seen me do it often lately?

I mentioned to you to give me a sms half an hour after i gave you your wake up call to ensure that you're awake right? Did you do it?

I asked you to send me a sms at 5pm to let me know where you are so i could know where to meet up with you for dinner right? Did you do it?

Both times i had to be the one to call you to ask... did i get angry, did i say it to your face? No, because i know you'll get defensive and hurt and blame it on me anyway... no .. i didn't want an argument, not a losing battle i want to fight for.

So we met up and you told me that we're gonna watch a movie with a bunch of your friends after dinner. It was all arranged in the afternoon and the tickets are already brought. Sigh.. you must be thinking contently to yourself that you've done something good for me... but no, my dear, you're wrong. Wrong because you failed to realize that you've only served to make yourself happy but not me. This isn't the first time something like this happens... you always make plans for me without my approval. Were you to ask how i am doing... you'll know that i am pretty tired out the past few days and i just want a quiet night with you for dinner. I have a beach outing the next day at 10am and so i want to have an early rest. I can't even classify it as good intentions because it has happened wayy too many times and it only leads me to conclude that you don't consider my feelings at all when it comes to planning of your schedule. I am just slotted and fitted in where ever you see suits YOUR interest best. That is called selfish. To have the story turned and told that i'm the heartless one for not appreciating your good intentions... when you don't even bother to call me to ask or take time to REALLY consider what i REALLY want or need... irony...

I used to think that i was the one who was always being emotional and that was what is draining us out... i'm starting to think otherwise lately.. i think you are the one carrying the paper heart around. You coupled that fragile emotional psyche of yours' with your intellect and you start analyzing and arguing and getting upset... more upset... even more upset... that you've slowly withdrawn into yourself. I can't pull you out from there... and it's tiring me, more every single day. I need to stop ranting and go to sleep..

... Baby, whatever it is.. I Love You.. i really want to work it out... make it happen between us... just that at this point i'm really drained... i need time to recuperate..

Milkshake, Fries N' Burger

2008-05-01T18:07:00.003+08:00

The smell of ketchup drifted into my senses as i entered the American franchise, greeted by warm friendly smiles. We went up the stairs and entered a whole new world, a scene of bright lights, giant posters and soft cushy chairs. We came, we ordered, we ate.

Suspend in disbelief

2008-04-27T03:33:00.003+08:00

Something horrible happened earlier this week.. so disgusting and vile, it leaves a bitter taste in my throat. Perhaps i'm still reeling from it. I feel like i'm halfway through a bungee jump, suspended in mid-air, time standing chillingly still as i hear my own heart beating... and strangely it's beating as it should, no faster nor slower then it used to, and i wonder..

I now wonder whether things would be better off if it just ended the way it should... a simple keep in touch, constant flirting on msn whenever bored, an occasional call when either one is feeling mischievous... that'll probably save a lot of heartache and pain.

I wonder... of all the ones out there, some worse, some better, some cuter, some uglier, some fitter, some chubbier, some younger, some older... why me... why am i the one to be chosen?

After all the horror of the week... i am alone, i should be peaceful and content but no... i don't feel that way. I am numb by it all, my energy draining in an excruciating slow trickle... by unanswered questions, unresolved issues and oh, my favourite poison of late... sweet sweet jealousy.

Welcome back, Jasca. The blues you've been singing shall finally be heard.

Sigh.. I long to return to simpler times..

love is..

2008-04-22T17:48:00.003+08:00

i've always believe in equality within a relationship, be it a friendship or love but recently I'm finding the balance being tilted more and more. When you give, you expect the person to return. When you listen, you expect the person to offer a listening ear back. Sometimes it just isn't the case. I often wonder, "Is it selfish of me to have the kind of expectation of others?" Especially when you think about love and what love means..

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."

'A Walk To Remember'

Would i ever learn to achieve this kind of love for others, especially to the ones i hold dear to my heart?

disappointed.

2008-04-22T17:42:00.008+08:00

"why is it that when two person falls in love, there always has to be one who falls harder?"

It was a case of the issue behind the argument that's bigger then the argument itself. Did you take the time to try and understand why i was acting the way i was? I'm a big dumb dumb... i didn't fully realize it when we were arguing, only a couple of hours later when i shared my feelings to others that i realize what was happening and why i reacted the way i did.. but i remember trying to convey it out to you, in whatever impractical ways (sulking) i know of. You didn't have the patience for me... you didn't want to accept my point of view... it would be so different if it was the other way round, remember the food argument? It was exactly like that.

I didn't have the strength to push my point thru, i guess then i didn't even know what my point was but you're the clever one, shouldn't you already second guessed me to it? Even now i'm being childish but the damage's been done and i'm the one left in a corner, ignored... even though i wasn't in the wrong. it's tiring for me too and i hate being ignored... all that's left now is me feeling disappointed and extremely drained.

A dog's life

2008-04-19T01:50:00.022+08:00

Jasper had to undergo an operation to have his balls cut off and i had the opportunity to scrub in and watch the entire procedure because the vet is a personal friend of mine. I must say it's an overall cool experience, the closest i'll ever get to observing an operation.

Alot of people have been asking me why i wanna neuter him so here's the top 3 reasons i could think of...

Number 3
Neutering him before he reaches adulthood will stop him from ever attaining undesirable habits such as marking (that is peeing every 5 steps he takes when you bring the dog out for walks), being territorial and aggressive.

Number 2
Neutering before he turns one year old will ensure that he attains the health benefits that comes along with not having sex hormones, such as cancer. That's what i've been told.

Number 1
Jasper has undescended testicles, which means he's 3 times more likely to kena testicular cancer. It is also highly recommended by vets to remove it as it poses serious health threats to the dog.

On a different topic... it's kind of a warped thought but I don't suppose i'll ever get the chance to observe a woman in the operating theatre giving birth to my child so watching Jasper having his testicles removed is the next best thing..

My boy after being heavily sedated, (took alot to him concussed!) tied up and
inserted with an oxygen tube/pump down his throat.

A close up picture of Jasper sedated.. ain't he cute!
(I know, I'm a sicko)

Sterilizing him before the operation.

That's iodine (i think..) that they're using on his tummy.
(Jo, care to explain what the iodine's for? =P)
Then they use alcohol to clean the area again.

Here we go!

YikeS! He's cutting him up like sushi!

Extremely sharp clamps to hold the surgery area in place.

Having a hard time trying to find the testicles...

The first one found after roughly 15-20 minutes into the surgery.

Clamping tight to the second one ready for the knife!

And the second one is out!

The two balls side by side. One is actually smaller then the other.

Trying to soak up blood before stitching back the wound.

Doc to Nurse : Where's the piece of rag i left just now?

Doc: Aww shit, gotta open the wound to remove my bloody rag again!
(Just kidding~ but kinda reminded me of that episode in Grey's Anatomy)

All stitched up. See the 'pinches' left behind by the clamps? 'Ouch!'

All closed up. It actually looks like a pig's skin that people use to cook stews in.

The nurse giving Jasper some much needed TLC.

Jasper : What have you done to my BaLLs!! Argh, my precious!!!

Jasper : Somemore still have to get stuck with this cone thinG?!

No wonder he's all depressed. =/

Today am gonna bring him to have his stitches removed. It'll be 2 weeks since his surgery. The wound looks a bit like this last week..

Was just checking up on it earlier on and it seems to be not healing up too well. A bit of bacteria and dirt down there as well... oh no.. i hope nothing bad happens when i see the vet tomorrow. Got a feeling that I'll be scolded by my friend. hmm.. wait till next time to know the results!

Awake to smell the flowers

2008-04-15T02:37:00.004+08:00

My identity for 3 months, this has got to be my worse job ever.. i've totally and absolutely managed to single-handedly fuck it up. Thinking back, the job isn't so bad. If i was the same person that i was 5 years back, i would've took on to the job pretty well and made a good career out of it.

I think my priorities have changed over the past 5 years and i no longer see the same picture everyone else around me is seeing. I don't think i see that motivation to work hard in a job just so i can move ahead, climb higher up the corporate ladder, make more money anymore... instead, i see myself wanting to spend more time with my love ones, trying to slow down the pace to start appreciating what's around me, learning to take the simple pleasures in life and making it a joyous celebration of life, more importantly, learning to look deep within myself... not to realize the man i want to be but rather, to find the man that i already am inside.

Blame it on the Army, Blame it on the Alcohol, Blame it on Love, Blame it on my Family, Blame it on my Lil' Doggie, Blame it on Myself... but yes my friends, i have become a hippie, a social outcast on a journey towards life.

Hippie : a person, esp. of the late 1960s, who rejected established institutions and values and sought spontaneity, direct personal relations expressing love, and expanded consciousness, often expressed externally in the wearing of casual, folksy clothing and of beads, headbands, used garments, etc.

( Definitely me sans the sense of style. )

Sixth of March Two Thousand and Eight

2008-03-12T02:13:00.009+08:00

It's been set to stone, the words i've been longing to hear, finally coming out from your mouth. It's so casual the way you said it and it felt that way too, nothing seems to have changed but you asking me that question means the world to me.

Thank you, my love.

Sick Alot

2008-03-05T10:25:00.007+08:00

Gosh, i still remember vividly when i was sick last September and the terrible terrible days i spent in recovery. And now, it's back with a vengeance! Before i had an ulcer on my throat which turned into an inflammation that started to give me fever, this time I'm having an inflammation of my left tonsil which brings about the fever.

It definitely ain't a good feeling falling ill, and definitely not a good sign when all the doctor prescribe for body aches is Paracetamol. It's been 2 days and i still haven't recovered. Fever comes in and out while the body aches varies from discomfort to 'need to lie down' kinda pain. Thankfully the throat has been giving me the least problem. Gonna see the doctor today and get another day of mc, i seriously don't think I'm capable of going to work in this condition, especially when the air-con climate in the office probably feels like hell freezing over for me.

Been falling sick quite often lately, i wonder if this year isn't a good year for me health wise. Or does this just means that i'm getting older? Hmm... in any case, i have resolved to take better care of myself. Sad to say but my body resistance ain't working the way it used to, getting sick easily, longer recovery time, sigh.. age is catching up.

Work Work.. No Work

2008-02-16T11:37:00.000+08:00

Once again I’m finding myself at a juncture, show I quit or should I continue staying. It seems that I can’t find satisfaction in my job. I have transformed into the reluctant worker who is sluggish in his performance and finds every chance he has to leave the office early.

It’s a lame excuse but I swear I really never meant to be this way, working performance wise. I may not have a lot of drive but I do work hard. One reason I can think of would be that I’m not interested in the job and when it comes to me, I’m just that the sort of person who only does what he likes. Just like in school when a particular subject didn’t interest me, I would just lose interest and concentrate on other subjects. If a job doesn’t interest me or motivate me, I suppose this would be how I react.

Recently I realize that there’s been a change in my perspective. What I want out of life is suddenly very different from before. I want happiness, I want to be able to find time to go out with friends, have dinner with my family and not just focus on work all the time. Looking around at my colleagues, I sometimes wonder if the sacrifice they’ve made for their job worth it? Every day is just that tired, worn out look on their faces. Even when they smile you can still see the fatigue and weariness. I’ve already been told that I look tired most of the time at work and I don’t want to end up like that, I enjoy my health as it is now. Perhaps they enjoy the work after all but I guess that’s the difference between them and myself. I get worn out easily and I can’t deal with the constant changes that come with my work, it really gets me down. Screw the indecisive corporate bastards from above that make life difficult for all of us.

Night Night

2008-01-24T03:12:00.000+08:00

With the number of years piling up after my stint as a teenager, i have unwittingly stumbled headlong into the mid-twenties range with no idea how adulthood is supposed to be like and with absolutely no tools equipped to handle it.

As with many incidences that happened in my past, i have somehow went along with the situation without trying hard enough to direct the current and just end up getting swept away... totally submerged and helpless to the throes of negative emotions and thoughts.

I blame it on my lack of abilities... i lack the resourcefulness to being independent, i lack energy and drive, i lack extrovert-ism in my communication, skills that i never did picked up along life but constantly being reminded of time and time again. So i sink, deeper and deeper within a consciousness that's much too aware but always stubbornly refusing to acknowledge.

I have some shining stars though... without whom i may not have made it thru the night and into the bright sunshine. The one beside me now is definitely my Venus and i will always treasure it's twilight glow illuminating incandescence into my heart. Although i may appear not show it at times but i do treasure this star of mine. I will stay aglow, for life is suddenly more with you around.

Small Repairs, Burning Bridges.

2008-01-15T01:46:00.000+08:00

It's a quite a journey, the past few months. Lots of changes in my life, lots of new situations, lots of new emotions that i have to deal with.

Imagine a man living in the centre of a lake. While he is busy making small repairs to the house, a wild fire is burning and catches on to the only bridge that connects him to the outside world. So engrossed with his work he did not discover the burning bridge until it is too late.

I think i am that man of late. Sorry to the people i've hurt or offended, i have been so selfishly engrossed in trying to improve myself that i did not see the needs of the people surrounding me. In the end, i still end up hurting myself.

When will the pain end?

Back Shopping

2007-12-10T09:14:00.000+08:00

Back Shopping

Just came back from 'shopping'... came back with a heap of bags.

There's Chemistry by fate, Worries by insecurities & self-doubt, L.oV.e by tenderness and Hope by Him + Future.

How did Fate happen, no one knows exactly. He supposedly never or seldom sends a heart out to anyone on Fridae but i strongly recall him being the initiator of the heart services. Either way, i became the more proactive party after receiving the heart. Two simple reasons being... he's a fotographer and he's cute (my kinda cute anyway).

I wouldn't say we have the best Chemistry ever but the feeling was comfortable and we were companionable.. an unspoken affinity between two desperately lonely souls.

So the emotions envelop and engulf me, leaving me giddy and wayward. I stand by the walkway looking straight ahead but nothing keeps still, my path continues to waver. Insecurities and Self-doubt diffuses itself from the surroundings and slowly seep into my very being. Worries, i now have a bag load to offer.

First off from the worry department is the inferiority complex. He is so much better then i deserve, better education, difference in upbringing, difference in lifestyle, etc etc. Not that it's anything unusual, i often get that feeling when i'm with others but it's still an emotion that has to be reined in or fear losing control of. At the end of the day, i suppose it's how confident you are about yourself. At the moment i'm slowing building up on mine.

One of my biggest fear is being cheated on and lied upon. It begin from my parents who have since divorced and since then, left a huge scar on my mind and in my heart. I'll rather give up on the relationship then allow myself to get cheated upon. For this case, i worry he'll cheat on me because i never had the sense of security being with him. Never once has he openly given me the reassurance. I suppose that's his way of showing that we have to trust one another. That and the fact that he was dating somebody else before knowing me, i often wonder if i would share the same fate...

His friendly demeanor towards acquaintances / netizens push drive my fear and jealously while his open'ness' about himself only serves to pick at my suspicion, i find it hard to trust him when he lies so well. I've seen how effortless he tells white lies whenever he's running late and wonder with his open'ness' towards me i would've lower my guards so as to when he wants to lie, it would be so simple because i'd have been so trusting of him by then.

I've overstepped the line between open'ness' and invading into his privacy, i've lost his trust. Due to my inability to trust and put faith in both him and myself. Would he understand, would he trust me again? I hope so... the only thing i can do now is to earn back that trust. It's tough, having to fight my own distrust and learning to trust again. That's just my own pessimistic thinking at work, something i've been trying really hard to change.

His Love has shone through the dark of night, i am taken by the Tenderness we share. It has been a wonderful month full of joy and happiness, we both deserve it. I'm sure there will be many more to come and i look forward towards our future ahead. That's the Hope he has given me.

It's funny how in one of his back entries, he mentioned something about needing to "feel comforted, assured, wanted and desired. Not just a tag along, a last minute decision, a late night arrangement, a phone call." and i was just feeling the same way myself. For the past month i have taken the back seat and put myself out of the way for him. I accommodated my schedule for him and did things his way but it made me feel so expendable. I was making him happy at the expense of myself at times. As and when he wants me, i'm there. He wants to squeeze me in a game mahjong and expects me to company him... i'll do. I do it only because i love him but sometimes it upsets me to think that he hasn't spared a thought for my feelings. I ain't exactly having a ball of a time watch him play mahjong the whole night away.

As the time comes for us to separate, spend less waking hours with each other... it's also time for me to be selfish and think more for myself. I'll still want to company him for mahjong, but only when i have the time and only if that's the only way i can get to spend time with him after an entire week of absence. I feel that this new change will be a test for both of us, a test of Commitment and Faith, of Love and Trust, of Compromise and enduring Companionship.

Been to a party~

2007-11-21T14:14:00.000+08:00

I went to do some freelance bartending for a birthday party last Saturday. Felt pretty much routine cos' it's the third time i've been to the customer's place bartending. The crowd was the same, the food and music pretty predictable. It felt refreshing to be back behind the bar, being busy making drinks and striking up some small talks with familiar faces every once in a while.

After the initial rush to serve the arriving guests and the early cake cutting out of the way, i finally managed to unwind and managed to slip a few sips here and there... (okay, who am i kidding?!) i even managed to concoct my own cocktail, thus far untitled, which is pretty similar to Cosmopolitan, slightly more palatable and less cough syrupy tasting.

Once everything was more or less settled, i had a chat with the birthday boy. At 40, Henk still looks like a cherubic baby with rosy cheeks and a 'heeearthy' laughter. We talked about his 12 years relationship with his partner and how, throughout all those years they have been staying together. He mentioned that since both of them have their own separate lives and work, coming home to one another at the end of each day is what keeps them together and makes them committed to each other. It's like that sweet little desert after a heavy dinner that caps off the entire meal, something to look forward to at the end of each day.

I wish a happy ending for myself and everyone ~ and to many more 12 years ahead to Henk.

Gone Shopping

2007-11-08T04:02:00.000+08:00

Love comes in all chance and circumstances... so why should i be surprised when it came knocking at my door one day when i least expected it to be? Sure, i mean... i have definitely taken a proactive approach but i never once expected much to come out from my senseless bantering with strangers on the web. They were more desperation then anything constructive, a sign of my own destructive nature so bent on desecrating every shot of happiness blessed towards me.

So he came along and suddenly i'm caught in a whirlwind romance. Have you ever watched the movie Casablanca? The romance was just like in the movie, "and here's looking at you kid."

As with life, i supposed... nothing ever comes ~pure~ or for better term, nothing ever comes without baggage. I have mine as well, but i have never thought i'll end up with the same baggage carried over from my last... relationship endeavor. It's like buying two identical bags, the only difference perhaps' the tags attached to them. If anyone's looking for me, tell em' that i've gone shopping and won't be back for a while.

Jascablue Bloggersphere Presents : Grinhouse

2007-10-17T16:11:00.002+08:00

Planet Photos!!

Well, the past week has been interesting. My 3rd sister was back in Singapore from Japan for a visit and i was around most of the time so we did quite a bit of catching up. My niece has grown so much and it's only been a few months since i last saw her, gosh. She was like so quiet and reserved when she first saw me but warmed up to me quite fast and we spent some quality 'Uncle and Niece' time together. Hehee, she is just sooo adorable!

So we went to Suntec cos my 1st and 3rd sister wanted to go shopping and we had Kenny Rogers for dinner. I can never get enough of the corn muffins there, it's sweet, it's crunchy and it leaves you wanting more!! While waiting to 'ta bao' for my brother-in-law, here's what my adorable niece and i did.

Photo Whoring!!!

Struck her with a very looong straw!!

Trying to grow an Mexican straw moustache.

Me trying to be Dracula... i think she's still stuck with the moustache.

From Mexicans to Indians with the poison darts.

'Lao Fu Zhi' remember?

On the set of "Stab 4" (Trival)

The protege turns her back on the master and does a Chucky impression!

Hence a battle of epic proportion rage on... Star Wars style with our straw sabers. ZzhhinG!

And of cos, who can resist the cute ET? Aww...

Yup yup, i was the one who masterminded the entire photo session, except for that Chucky bit. What can i say... I'm either a really talented photo director or an extremely slutty photo whore. LoL. It's times like these when even i am amazed at how talented i am. *vomit*

PS: The trival i highlighted was an ode to Scream 3. In the movie, they were recreating a movie within a movie and the psuedo movie that was supposed to be produced was named Stab 3. Just one of those useless informations i know. ^_^

Unfortunately my 3rd sis and niece flew back this morning, sigh.. gonna miss them. "Issa, Ah Ku loves youuuuu!!"

Unfortunately again, i don't think it's reciprocated. The night before she left, she actually found time to slut around with my 1st sister's boyfriend...

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Caught In the Act!!!

Kids these days, they really grow up fast. =P

Well luckily, my two best friends knew it was gonna happen and actually came down on Sunday to comfort and console me. (They obviously knew how slutty my niece was and that it's just a matter of time before she breaks my tiny fragile heart) *JOKING*

Jasper was delighted to see them as well, actually, he was so delighted that he tried to pee on both of them! Speaking of him.. here's some more pictures of the cute adorable one.

Jasper beside his (old) pee tray

Him with Mr Cuddly. Turns out he ain't just cuddly, he's also bitably the best size for Jasper.

Jasper up front with his one eye jack saying hi. =P

Baby Jasper before his head gets wet.

After getting wet all over, he looks so diminutive beside the shampoo!

hmm?

Whatcha looking at!

Quite like this picture, the high head room adds volume to his look of melancholy.

Some effects that i tried to do to salvage the lousy photos.

Jasper in a pool of artistic effect flooring. (No! It's not a pool of water!)

Jasper in a shade of grey.

Hmm... i can't decide which one to keep. Any comments?

So my friends came and Jo brought along some photo albums for us to reminiscence the good ole' days. Gosh, time flies and suddenly we are already in our twenties looking back on our Secondary school days.

Mahjong was up next that lazy Sunday afternoon. Haha, i love playing mahjong with them cos it's really in a slow pace and we can chat about everything under the sun. It's not too taxing on the wallet as well because we only play 10 cents / 20 cents. Hehee, your's truly was the big winner that day.. i didn't calculate how much i won but it's probably around $4 - $5, not forgetting the last round when i won with a full tile set drawn by myself. I would've gotten another $6 but i didn't collect it from them. That's playing with true friends, it's not the money that matters but the company.

Jo was supposed to be on diet but... haha, she got a craving for Japanese food thus she suggested to go Miramar Hotel where they have this Japanese Restaurant that serves ultra good quality ala carte style buffet. Hmm... how could a greedy piggie like me resist? =P

But before heading off, we did a bit of.... Photo Whoring!!!

My cute baby Jasper.

All three loving the cam treatment.

Me teaching Jasper to look suave. =P

So on with the Jap Restaurant!

We were supposed to take pictures of all the wonder food there... however, hehee, we were just too hungry!! The only picture that managed to get taken by itself was the starter dish. It's basically just raw salmon but the sauce that's included is just so delicious! It's something mixed with ume (plume) that just blends together with the salmon meat. I swear, it's happiness in a mouthful! =P

Food aside, once we ate to our heart's content there was no stopping the photo taking and camera whoring.

Smiling for the camera, warm sake in sight. Oops!

Trying to do those act cute, camera on top to make you look nicer pose... rather unsuccessful. Xiaxue, how you do it wan?!

Group photo taken by a helpful staff.

Another cheesy photo. =P So can imagine whenever i do a cheeky smiley my face is actually like this. Awful..

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Ever wonder how our photo taking session is like, say for example how the above picture got taken? No fret! I've even got it on video! =X

And lately because i've got nothing better to do and was thinking of stretching my photo-editing skills.. here's some things i did. Comments pls!!

I've got some pretty crappy name for the pictures. This one's called 'Finally Jo'.

'Power Sam'

'Slurping Jon'

Also, can't decide on which picture is better... what do you think?

Well, finally i'm done with the posting! But wait!! This is a double bill so that means there's gonna be another post, omg, so much to blog about!!! =P

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Love Proof

My love life is almost non-existence... so why do i still end up getting hurt and sad? I think i've made a pretty conscious effort not to fall head over heels, that i should wait for the right one to appear. I guess along the way i still manage to mess it up and fall for someone i shouldn't have.

When that happens... it feels like every love songs you hear on the radio is written specially for you. Two songs, singing the same things, about yearning for a love that can never be reciprocated..

Evanescence
Good Enough
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Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Carve my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.

------------------------------------------------------

Video, songs and lyrics are copyrighted by Wind-up Records from the album "The Open Door".

Robyn
With Every Heartbeat
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Maybe we could make it all right
We could make it better sometime

Maybe we could make it happen baby
We could keep trying
but things will never change

So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back
Just a little, little bit better
Good enough to waste some time
Tell me would it make you happy baby

We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back

We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back

And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
It hurts with every heartbeat
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Video, songs and lyrics are copyrighted by Konichiwa Records from the album "Robyn". This is the record label set up by the singer herself to release her own songs, very cool indeed.

So why do we always end up going for something that is not within our reach? I think it's only human nature to want what we cannot have. But then again, it's also because of that persistence that we end up where we are today, high up in the evolution chain. Are we happier now then before? I can't be the judge of that but i can say we did excel, we did manage to achieve some of the things that was thought impossible before. So i will push on too, i believe only then will i one day be able to move ahead, to be evolutionized, and be to matured.

~I didn't want you from the start, not in that way... but somehow i just fell into you and it made every moment spent with you feels like a sublime bittersweet symphony. I had to break away else my heart will never learn to love again. Thanks for the memories and the blueberry gums~

Kim?

2007-10-12T10:50:00.000+08:00

People who knows how i look like, please please tell me, do i look like him?

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Okay, here's where i do a typical 'Ugly Betty' story in reversal (PS: If you have watched the tv show, you'll know that they do a couple of flashback episodes where they reveal the ending at the beginning of the show and start the story as a flashback of sort).

Well, how did i end up with this guy's picture? It started early this week when i was out job hunting in the CBD area (for a cafe job... -_-") when a friend from the bar smsed me, it goes...

AB: Hi Kim.

ME: Err... think you've got the wrong number. I'm Johnny from the bar.

AB: Yeah, i know.

ME: Okay... so why call me Kim?

AB: I saw your ad from the massage website.

ME (all huffy and puffy): WHAT?!? I didn't do such things.
What's the web add, i want to have a look at it myself.

AB: --- No reply ---

So i smsed him the next day insisting for the address and got it. Was a little lazy and so i only went to check it out 2 days later (haha.. -_-") and found the real 'Kim', provided that's his real name lah. From what i know, people in the massage industry rarely give their actual or full name.

So anyway... a few discrepancies to prove that i'm not Kim or Kim's not me, or i am him but not me or he is me but not him.. Err, i think you get the idea... right? =P (Wordplay!)

1 - My name is not Kim (Even if i have a psuedo name it would not be Kim cos living with one is bad enough!! OoOpS... hope my sis is not reading this)

2 - I am *sob sob* 23 yrs old...
... okay lah, 24 this year. =/

3 - I am Chinese also, but but.. people mistaken me for Thai, Jap and Indo-Chn before wor. (cos i act cute mah!)

4 - I am actually shorter and fatter then this Kim fella at XXXcm/ZZZkg. Hard to believe right? =P

The description does sound alot like me... although I'll die before letting anyone call me boy. Seems like my 'fluent English' is also getting worse by the day as what Charlene says, apparently cos i drink too much and am getting brain damaged. -_-"

But still, i think i look so much cuter than him lor... a bit of an insult can.

Hey... chubby is cute orhkaay, i never said handsome or good-looking mah (in which the first category both me and Kim will never be in... the second category will have to depend on individual's perception bahz.)

Was looking thru my pics and was trying to find one of myself in a similiar pose. Found one when i was much younger... which bare 'some' questionable resemblance, you be the judge. (and remember to post your comments!!)

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Well, enough said about that. Oh, for the people who would be interested in Kim's services... please head on down to www.m-powertherapy.com (gotta give the site some props since i'm using the picture right? )

Speaking of which... i got the shock of my life when i saw another one of the masseur advertised there...

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My colleague from the bar!! Shock!! Gasp!!

Well, that's my 'drama'tic life as it is. Till next time`

Definitely Just Another Day!!

2007-09-24T19:02:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning feeling wayyy too groggy, not fully awake yet, to the sound of Jasper’s demanding barks. Sigh… it’s 8am and I’ve yet to make breakfast for him. *Yawn* Was working in the bar last night (and will do so till Tuesday), an abnormality in schedule if you were to know me cos I only work on Fridays and Saturdays. What to do? Especially when I’m downright broke and penniless, gotta work right? Thanks to my understanding fellow colleagues at work, they’ve managed to squeeze in a couple of extra working days for me so I can make the extra ka’chings.

Hmm… how to utilize this week’s earnings? I’m gonna be bring Jasper to the vet on Wednesday so that’s $45 plus $30 for a two way transport. Basic transport and expenses for the week… $20 plus $30, hmm.. that’s an positive forecast lah, and hopefully I can put the rest of my earnings into the bank, top it up to the minimum so the bank don’t deduct any money. =P

Will probably need to cancel my DJ lessons cos I can’t afford to fork out $360 for the remainder of the lessons… probably a good idea anyway cos I suck at DJ’ing and the course itself is lousy; the 8 lessons course does not come with a planned schedule and the instructor seemed unprepared, totally at a lost as to what to teach us, so I’m just gonna go for the 2nd lesson which I had paid for as down payment and just tell them after the lesson is over that I’m too broke to pay. K.C.M life… but on hindsight, would be interesting to see the look on their faces when I tell them that in a straight face. Haha!

Sick & Tired.. (literally!!) And a Dollop of Lazy

2007-09-20T08:15:00.000+08:00

This week has been so exhausting. Since i last signed off, the sickness bug has not left me. Just like a normal sick person, i whine and act in self-pity, locking myself at home and spending majority of my time sleeping. What’s worse is that my body started to have a reaction towards the antibiotics and is now causing swelling on my gums, making it really painful to brush my teeth.

The ulcer on my mouth hasn’t recovered as well, so yesterday I tried to remove the yellow pus surrounding the ulcer. It was really disgusting and there was this one spot that just stuck to the flesh and I had to use a pincher to get it out. Unfortunately… it grew back within half an hour! I was just looking at it 5 minutes ago and I realized that it’s finally healing up and that the yellow pus is actually part of the healing process. Remember the part that was sticking to the flesh and I had to pick it out? Well, now it ain’t growing back and it’s left a red spot in its place, probably an empty hole to boot! Wa… why… why does it always have to be me!!!

If things aren't bad enough, it seems that my behaviour / sickness might have rubbed off on Jasper because just 3 days after moving in, he's becoming more sleep indulgent (or maybe it's because i don't let him out of the cage) and his appetite waning. It's come to a point where his breakfast could be divided into breakfast, lunch and dinner with leftovers for supper. It's definitely not the food because there is no change so i'm suspecting either a mood swing (his cage is right next to the television... he doesn't seemed much affect by it but...) or he's physically sick. At the moment he is still quite active whenever i let him out of the cage so that puts my mind at ease, a little.

The photos… well… haha, I’ve been lazy and really, you can’t blame me.. I’m siiicckk. Okay okay, I’ve got one really miserable photo.. or two.. but it’s a really lousy camera. Eish, so enjoy the pictures and wish me good luck (at training Jasper) and good health (Jasper too!).

A Series Of Unfortunate Events

2007-09-16T23:21:00.000+08:00

After much anticipation and waiting, I've finally gotten my own Corgi!!! The journey before, towards and after getting it however hasn't been smooth sailing at all.

I was out to meet my colleagues for coffee before work on Friday when i noticed a humongous zit seated nicely beside my left nostril. After enduring the teasing and 'advise' from my colleagues to pop it, i realized that i had another problem. An ulcer right on my upper lips. Sigh... no use popping it liao, get rid of one will still have another one, somemore the other one i cannot do anything about. =(

Then after work we went to an acquaintance's place for mahjong and that's when i started to feel the backaches. Initially i thought nothing of it but as the game progressed it got worse and distracted me from the game. I gave up after one round and took flight. Now, normally i take hot showers and that day was no exception, the difference however was that i was shivering throughout the entire time. That's when it hit me... kena fever liao.

After a 4 hours 'invigorating' nap i was woken up by the soreness at my back. Went to check my e-mail to see if there were any replies from the pet farms about the arrival of the Corgi puppies. Lo and behold, 2 male 1 female puppies for sale at Pet Movers and no reply from Ericsson. Gave Ericsson a call and the owner said that he was overseas, damn.. (wasted money to call him) and i was promptly diverted to his sales manager. Was informed that they also have 3 puppies, all male for sale. However, the price comparison of both places were like... comparing heaven and earth. =( Pet Movers offered at $1388 while Ericsson offered from $2600 - $3500. Bladdy hell right?

So anyway, i was told to go down asap as there are alot of buyers for Corgis. No more words needed to be said and i immediately flew down (yah, when in crisis i grow wings and those wings happen to cost me $19) to Pasir Ris Farmway. Took a look from both sides and i could immediately see the difference.

Puppies in P M were lethargic and unresponsive. When they brought them out for me to take a look, none actually turned my way lor, cos they were gazing desperately for their caretakers. I suspect that they are either hungry or underfed. I also noticed that all of them have beige patches on their noses. Only the female caught my eyes but i didn't want a girl girl and after reading all those doggie books has made me a little apprehensive about settling for one that is... 1. Lethargic and unresponsive 2. Has no affinity towards me. 3. Shy when in contact with humans. It might be little exaggerated because it's my own personal experience and i haven't had much experience with dogs.

ERS puppies on the other hand were all healthily active (not those ADD kind that jumps all over the wall) and extremely friendly. I only saw two puppies and i thought to myself, "wah, really selling like hotcakes." Then i met with the sale manager who led me to their private confinement area where he introduced me to the third puppy. (chei..) It was smaller then the other two outside and it was much more furrier, no wait, flurrier, if there is such a word. It appeared more 'kuai' than the others but it cost $3500. I had another look at the outside two, one of them had a clipped tail (was told that it is no longer allowed in Singapore to clip a dog's tail off) and i really liked it as well. Caught between the two dogs, that's when the sales manager made his pitch... "buy a good (expensive) dog with good attributes and health and you'll enjoy his companionship for the rest of your life."

On one side is a slightly louder, more active puppy with a clipped tail and on the other side, a slightly more docile, tiny puppy with extremely flurry fur. Although by national standard a Corgi should have a clipped tail and can definitely not have a soft fur. At that time i was reeling in from the drowsy effect my painkillers were giving me so my judgement could have been impaired and so.. i chose the tiny puppy! It's too cute to ignore and i have a soft spot for the furry ones.

My back was still killing me after returning from the pet farms and by then i still had a slight fever and a swollen thyroid gland on my right neck. It's a little bad of me but i must confess that i hadn't really been much enthusiastic about Jasper (my new Corgi) after his arrival because of all the symptoms. He's sleeping most of the time in the house... =( Was pretty vexed that my sickness wasn't recovering so i went to see a doctor this evening. Turns out my fever was caused by a throat infection (the reason for the swollen thyroid gland) and i was given a strong antibiotic with some painkillers on the side (yummy!).

I'm still trying to toilet train Jasper (he's been half trained) but it hasn't been successful. Once he leaves the cage it's pee everywhere. The trouble with training him is that he's so furry that when he pees, i usually don't see him peeing until after he's done and he doesn't do that sniff floor, circle around pee area thingy. Also trying to teach him the 'look' command so that he'll get used to me as his master quicker. It also serves the purpose of catching his attention... the first step towards training a dog (or so i read).

Well, i'm gonna take 1-2 weeks off work to company him and fully toilet train him. Hopefully by then i will have the 'look' command nailed and progress positively into the 'seat' command. He's already showing signs of being able to understand 'seat' so that's good. Will try to upload pictures of Jasper soon, right now i'm too hammered to care. That's the last of the series of unfortunate events... the only up side to that was getting Jasper and even that is at a major cost of heartache to my flailing bank accounts and wallet. Once more now.. with feelings.. Ouch!

The Cost of Clubbing

2007-09-12T06:50:00.000+08:00

How much does a person spend on an average night out clubbing anyway. I calculated and realize that i spend about $100 on a single night; from entry to drinks to transport back home.

On the 'special' occasions when i'm really enjoying myself... well, my expenditure for the night can shoot up to $300. My last outing however tops them all at the nifty price of $800. Was i buying a round for the entire bar? No.. Did my 'special' occasions involve a 'special' friend as well? No... So how could i have spent so much?

Well, the answer is simple. Lost and never found! To this day i have lost an approximate 5 wallets, 3 cell phones and 1 bag due to clubbing. The latest to be added into the "Lost n' Never Found" collection? A brand new Canon Digital Ixus 65 worth $600. Tah Da!!

Frigging hell, i tell ya man... how could someone keep making the same mistake time after time? One reason, self-control, or the apparent lack of it. Seems like i can't stop myself from drinking once i start and that leads to getting drunk, and when i get drunk.. boy, all hell breaks loose. I start flirting, get violent, talk in a phony American accent, become emo or just plain fun-loving. Friends never seem to know when i'm drunk and that's the problem.

Well, i'm glad to announce that i wasn't drunk when i lost the camera so yey, one good thing. I still have to buy one back for my sister though (cos it was hers').. Boo! So the next time i head out to the clubs and if you see me, please remind me about the cost of clubbing yeah?