Suspend in disbelief

Something horrible happened earlier this week.. so disgusting and vile, it leaves a bitter taste in my throat. Perhaps i'm still reeling from it. I feel like i'm halfway through a bungee jump, suspended in mid-air, time standing chillingly still as i hear my own heart beating... and strangely it's beating as it should, no faster nor slower then it used to, and i wonder..

I now wonder whether things would be better off if it just ended the way it should... a simple keep in touch, constant flirting on msn whenever bored, an occasional call when either one is feeling mischievous... that'll probably save a lot of heartache and pain.

I wonder... of all the ones out there, some worse, some better, some cuter, some uglier, some fitter, some chubbier, some younger, some older... why me... why am i the one to be chosen?

After all the horror of the week... i am alone, i should be peaceful and content but no... i don't feel that way. I am numb by it all, my energy draining in an excruciating slow trickle... by unanswered questions, unresolved issues and oh, my favourite poison of late... sweet sweet jealousy.

Welcome back, Jasca. The blues you've been singing shall finally be heard.

Sigh.. I long to return to simpler times..

love is..

i've always believe in equality within a relationship, be it a friendship or love but recently I'm finding the balance being tilted more and more. When you give, you expect the person to return. When you listen, you expect the person to offer a listening ear back. Sometimes it just isn't the case. I often wonder, "Is it selfish of me to have the kind of expectation of others?" Especially when you think about love and what love means..

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."

'A Walk To Remember'

Would i ever learn to achieve this kind of love for others, especially to the ones i hold dear to my heart?

disappointed.

"why is it that when two person falls in love, there always has to be one who falls harder?"

It was a case of the issue behind the argument that's bigger then the argument itself. Did you take the time to try and understand why i was acting the way i was? I'm a big dumb dumb... i didn't fully realize it when we were arguing, only a couple of hours later when i shared my feelings to others that i realize what was happening and why i reacted the way i did.. but i remember trying to convey it out to you, in whatever impractical ways (sulking) i know of. You didn't have the patience for me... you didn't want to accept my point of view... it would be so different if it was the other way round, remember the food argument? It was exactly like that.

I didn't have the strength to push my point thru, i guess then i didn't even know what my point was but you're the clever one, shouldn't you already second guessed me to it? Even now i'm being childish but the damage's been done and i'm the one left in a corner, ignored... even though i wasn't in the wrong. it's tiring for me too and i hate being ignored... all that's left now is me feeling disappointed and extremely drained.

A dog's life

Jasper had to undergo an operation to have his balls cut off and i had the opportunity to scrub in and watch the entire procedure because the vet is a personal friend of mine. I must say it's an overall cool experience, the closest i'll ever get to observing an operation.

Alot of people have been asking me why i wanna neuter him so here's the top 3 reasons i could think of...

Number 3
Neutering him before he reaches adulthood will stop him from ever attaining undesirable habits such as marking (that is peeing every 5 steps he takes when you bring the dog out for walks), being territorial and aggressive.

Number 2
Neutering before he turns one year old will ensure that he attains the health benefits that comes along with not having sex hormones, such as cancer. That's what i've been told.

Number 1
Jasper has undescended testicles, which means he's 3 times more likely to kena testicular cancer. It is also highly recommended by vets to remove it as it poses serious health threats to the dog.

On a different topic... it's kind of a warped thought but I don't suppose i'll ever get the chance to observe a woman in the operating theatre giving birth to my child so watching Jasper having his testicles removed is the next best thing..

My boy after being heavily sedated, (took alot to him concussed!) tied up and
inserted with an oxygen tube/pump down his throat.

A close up picture of Jasper sedated.. ain't he cute!
(I know, I'm a sicko)

Sterilizing him before the operation.

That's iodine (i think..) that they're using on his tummy.
(Jo, care to explain what the iodine's for? =P)
Then they use alcohol to clean the area again.

Here we go!

YikeS! He's cutting him up like sushi!

Extremely sharp clamps to hold the surgery area in place.

Having a hard time trying to find the testicles...

The first one found after roughly 15-20 minutes into the surgery.

Clamping tight to the second one ready for the knife!


And the second one is out!

The two balls side by side. One is actually smaller then the other.

Trying to soak up blood before stitching back the wound.

Doc to Nurse : Where's the piece of rag i left just now?

Doc: Aww shit, gotta open the wound to remove my bloody rag again!
(Just kidding~ but kinda reminded me of that episode in Grey's Anatomy)

All stitched up. See the 'pinches' left behind by the clamps? 'Ouch!'

All closed up. It actually looks like a pig's skin that people use to cook stews in.

The nurse giving Jasper some much needed TLC.

Jasper : What have you done to my BaLLs!! Argh, my precious!!!

Jasper : Somemore still have to get stuck with this cone thinG?!

No wonder he's all depressed. =/

Today am gonna bring him to have his stitches removed. It'll be 2 weeks since his surgery. The wound looks a bit like this last week..



Was just checking up on it earlier on and it seems to be not healing up too well. A bit of bacteria and dirt down there as well... oh no.. i hope nothing bad happens when i see the vet tomorrow. Got a feeling that I'll be scolded by my friend. hmm.. wait till next time to know the results!

Awake to smell the flowers

My identity for 3 months, this has got to be my worse job ever.. i've totally and absolutely managed to single-handedly fuck it up. Thinking back, the job isn't so bad. If i was the same person that i was 5 years back, i would've took on to the job pretty well and made a good career out of it.

I think my priorities have changed over the past 5 years and i no longer see the same picture everyone else around me is seeing. I don't think i see that motivation to work hard in a job just so i can move ahead, climb higher up the corporate ladder, make more money anymore... instead, i see myself wanting to spend more time with my love ones, trying to slow down the pace to start appreciating what's around me, learning to take the simple pleasures in life and making it a joyous celebration of life, more importantly, learning to look deep within myself... not to realize the man i want to be but rather, to find the man that i already am inside.

Blame it on the Army, Blame it on the Alcohol, Blame it on Love, Blame it on my Family, Blame it on my Lil' Doggie, Blame it on Myself... but yes my friends, i have become a hippie, a social outcast on a journey towards life.


Hippie : a person, esp. of the late 1960s, who rejected established institutions and values and sought spontaneity, direct personal relations expressing love, and expanded consciousness, often expressed externally in the wearing of casual, folksy clothing and of beads, headbands, used garments, etc.


( Definitely me sans the sense of style. )

Sixth of March Two Thousand and Eight

It's been set to stone, the words i've been longing to hear, finally coming out from your mouth. It's so casual the way you said it and it felt that way too, nothing seems to have changed but you asking me that question means the world to me.

Thank you, my love.

Sick Alot

Gosh, i still remember vividly when i was sick last September and the terrible terrible days i spent in recovery. And now, it's back with a vengeance! Before i had an ulcer on my throat which turned into an inflammation that started to give me fever, this time I'm having an inflammation of my left tonsil which brings about the fever.

It definitely ain't a good feeling falling ill, and definitely not a good sign when all the doctor prescribe for body aches is Paracetamol. It's been 2 days and i still haven't recovered. Fever comes in and out while the body aches varies from discomfort to 'need to lie down' kinda pain. Thankfully the throat has been giving me the least problem. Gonna see the doctor today and get another day of mc, i seriously don't think I'm capable of going to work in this condition, especially when the air-con climate in the office probably feels like hell freezing over for me.

Been falling sick quite often lately, i wonder if this year isn't a good year for me health wise. Or does this just means that i'm getting older? Hmm... in any case, i have resolved to take better care of myself. Sad to say but my body resistance ain't working the way it used to, getting sick easily, longer recovery time, sigh.. age is catching up.

Work Work.. No Work

Once again I’m finding myself at a juncture, show I quit or should I continue staying. It seems that I can’t find satisfaction in my job. I have transformed into the reluctant worker who is sluggish in his performance and finds every chance he has to leave the office early.

It’s a lame excuse but I swear I really never meant to be this way, working performance wise. I may not have a lot of drive but I do work hard. One reason I can think of would be that I’m not interested in the job and when it comes to me, I’m just that the sort of person who only does what he likes. Just like in school when a particular subject didn’t interest me, I would just lose interest and concentrate on other subjects. If a job doesn’t interest me or motivate me, I suppose this would be how I react.

Recently I realize that there’s been a change in my perspective. What I want out of life is suddenly very different from before. I want happiness, I want to be able to find time to go out with friends, have dinner with my family and not just focus on work all the time. Looking around at my colleagues, I sometimes wonder if the sacrifice they’ve made for their job worth it? Every day is just that tired, worn out look on their faces. Even when they smile you can still see the fatigue and weariness. I’ve already been told that I look tired most of the time at work and I don’t want to end up like that, I enjoy my health as it is now. Perhaps they enjoy the work after all but I guess that’s the difference between them and myself. I get worn out easily and I can’t deal with the constant changes that come with my work, it really gets me down. Screw the indecisive corporate bastards from above that make life difficult for all of us.

Night Night

With the number of years piling up after my stint as a teenager, i have unwittingly stumbled headlong into the mid-twenties range with no idea how adulthood is supposed to be like and with absolutely no tools equipped to handle it.

As with many incidences that happened in my past, i have somehow went along with the situation without trying hard enough to direct the current and just end up getting swept away... totally submerged and helpless to the throes of negative emotions and thoughts.

I blame it on my lack of abilities... i lack the resourcefulness to being independent, i lack energy and drive, i lack extrovert-ism in my communication, skills that i never did picked up along life but constantly being reminded of time and time again. So i sink, deeper and deeper within a consciousness that's much too aware but always stubbornly refusing to acknowledge.

I have some shining stars though... without whom i may not have made it thru the night and into the bright sunshine. The one beside me now is definitely my Venus and i will always treasure it's twilight glow illuminating incandescence into my heart. Although i may appear not show it at times but i do treasure this star of mine. I will stay aglow, for life is suddenly more with you around.

Small Repairs, Burning Bridges.

It's a quite a journey, the past few months. Lots of changes in my life, lots of new situations, lots of new emotions that i have to deal with.

Imagine a man living in the centre of a lake. While he is busy making small repairs to the house, a wild fire is burning and catches on to the only bridge that connects him to the outside world. So engrossed with his work he did not discover the burning bridge until it is too late.

I think i am that man of late. Sorry to the people i've hurt or offended, i have been so selfishly engrossed in trying to improve myself that i did not see the needs of the people surrounding me. In the end, i still end up hurting myself.

When will the pain end?

Back Shopping

Back Shopping

Just came back from 'shopping'... came back with a heap of bags.

There's Chemistry by fate, Worries by insecurities & self-doubt, L.oV.e by tenderness and Hope by Him + Future.

How did Fate happen, no one knows exactly. He supposedly never or seldom sends a heart out to anyone on Fridae but i strongly recall him being the initiator of the heart services. Either way, i became the more proactive party after receiving the heart. Two simple reasons being... he's a fotographer and he's cute (my kinda cute anyway).

I wouldn't say we have the best Chemistry ever but the feeling was comfortable and we were companionable.. an unspoken affinity between two desperately lonely souls.

So the emotions envelop and engulf me, leaving me giddy and wayward. I stand by the walkway looking straight ahead but nothing keeps still, my path continues to waver. Insecurities and Self-doubt diffuses itself from the surroundings and slowly seep into my very being. Worries, i now have a bag load to offer.

First off from the worry department is the inferiority complex. He is so much better then i deserve, better education, difference in upbringing, difference in lifestyle, etc etc. Not that it's anything unusual, i often get that feeling when i'm with others but it's still an emotion that has to be reined in or fear losing control of. At the end of the day, i suppose it's how confident you are about yourself. At the moment i'm slowing building up on mine.

One of my biggest fear is being cheated on and lied upon. It begin from my parents who have since divorced and since then, left a huge scar on my mind and in my heart. I'll rather give up on the relationship then allow myself to get cheated upon. For this case, i worry he'll cheat on me because i never had the sense of security being with him. Never once has he openly given me the reassurance. I suppose that's his way of showing that we have to trust one another. That and the fact that he was dating somebody else before knowing me, i often wonder if i would share the same fate...

His friendly demeanor towards acquaintances / netizens push drive my fear and jealously while his open'ness' about himself only serves to pick at my suspicion, i find it hard to trust him when he lies so well. I've seen how effortless he tells white lies whenever he's running late and wonder with his open'ness' towards me i would've lower my guards so as to when he wants to lie, it would be so simple because i'd have been so trusting of him by then.

I've overstepped the line between open'ness' and invading into his privacy, i've lost his trust. Due to my inability to trust and put faith in both him and myself. Would he understand, would he trust me again? I hope so... the only thing i can do now is to earn back that trust. It's tough, having to fight my own distrust and learning to trust again. That's just my own pessimistic thinking at work, something i've been trying really hard to change.

His Love has shone through the dark of night, i am taken by the Tenderness we share. It has been a wonderful month full of joy and happiness, we both deserve it. I'm sure there will be many more to come and i look forward towards our future ahead. That's the Hope he has given me.

It's funny how in one of his back entries, he mentioned something about needing to "feel comforted, assured, wanted and desired. Not just a tag along, a last minute decision, a late night arrangement, a phone call." and i was just feeling the same way myself. For the past month i have taken the back seat and put myself out of the way for him. I accommodated my schedule for him and did things his way but it made me feel so expendable. I was making him happy at the expense of myself at times. As and when he wants me, i'm there. He wants to squeeze me in a game mahjong and expects me to company him... i'll do. I do it only because i love him but sometimes it upsets me to think that he hasn't spared a thought for my feelings. I ain't exactly having a ball of a time watch him play mahjong the whole night away.

As the time comes for us to separate, spend less waking hours with each other... it's also time for me to be selfish and think more for myself. I'll still want to company him for mahjong, but only when i have the time and only if that's the only way i can get to spend time with him after an entire week of absence. I feel that this new change will be a test for both of us, a test of Commitment and Faith, of Love and Trust, of Compromise and enduring Companionship.

Been to a party~

I went to do some freelance bartending for a birthday party last Saturday. Felt pretty much routine cos' it's the third time i've been to the customer's place bartending. The crowd was the same, the food and music pretty predictable. It felt refreshing to be back behind the bar, being busy making drinks and striking up some small talks with familiar faces every once in a while.

After the initial rush to serve the arriving guests and the early cake cutting out of the way, i finally managed to unwind and managed to slip a few sips here and there... (okay, who am i kidding?!) i even managed to concoct my own cocktail, thus far untitled, which is pretty similar to Cosmopolitan, slightly more palatable and less cough syrupy tasting.

Once everything was more or less settled, i had a chat with the birthday boy. At 40, Henk still looks like a cherubic baby with rosy cheeks and a 'heeearthy' laughter. We talked about his 12 years relationship with his partner and how, throughout all those years they have been staying together. He mentioned that since both of them have their own separate lives and work, coming home to one another at the end of each day is what keeps them together and makes them committed to each other. It's like that sweet little desert after a heavy dinner that caps off the entire meal, something to look forward to at the end of each day.

I wish a happy ending for myself and everyone ~ and to many more 12 years ahead to Henk.

Gone Shopping

Love comes in all chance and circumstances... so why should i be surprised when it came knocking at my door one day when i least expected it to be? Sure, i mean... i have definitely taken a proactive approach but i never once expected much to come out from my senseless bantering with strangers on the web. They were more desperation then anything constructive, a sign of my own destructive nature so bent on desecrating every shot of happiness blessed towards me.

So he came along and suddenly i'm caught in a whirlwind romance. Have you ever watched the movie Casablanca? The romance was just like in the movie, "and here's looking at you kid."

As with life, i supposed... nothing ever comes ~pure~ or for better term, nothing ever comes without baggage. I have mine as well, but i have never thought i'll end up with the same baggage carried over from my last... relationship endeavor. It's like buying two identical bags, the only difference perhaps' the tags attached to them. If anyone's looking for me, tell em' that i've gone shopping and won't be back for a while.

Jascablue Bloggersphere Presents : Grinhouse

Planet Photos!!

Well, the past week has been interesting. My 3rd sister was back in Singapore from Japan for a visit and i was around most of the time so we did quite a bit of catching up. My niece has grown so much and it's only been a few months since i last saw her, gosh. She was like so quiet and reserved when she first saw me but warmed up to me quite fast and we spent some quality 'Uncle and Niece' time together. Hehee, she is just sooo adorable!


So we went to Suntec cos my 1st and 3rd sister wanted to go shopping and we had Kenny Rogers for dinner. I can never get enough of the corn muffins there, it's sweet, it's crunchy and it leaves you wanting more!! While waiting to 'ta bao' for my brother-in-law, here's what my adorable niece and i did.


Photo Whoring!!!

Struck her with a very looong straw!!

Trying to grow an Mexican straw moustache.

Me trying to be Dracula... i think she's still stuck with the moustache.

From Mexicans to Indians with the poison darts.

'Lao Fu Zhi' remember?

On the set of "Stab 4" (Trival)

The protege turns her back on the master and does a Chucky impression!

Hence a battle of epic proportion rage on... Star Wars style with our straw sabers. ZzhhinG!

And of cos, who can resist the cute ET? Aww...

Yup yup, i was the one who masterminded the entire photo session, except for that Chucky bit. What can i say... I'm either a really talented photo director or an extremely slutty photo whore. LoL. It's times like these when even i am amazed at how talented i am. *vomit*

PS: The trival i highlighted was an ode to Scream 3. In the movie, they were recreating a movie within a movie and the psuedo movie that was supposed to be produced was named Stab 3. Just one of those useless informations i know. ^_^


Unfortunately my 3rd sis and niece flew back this morning, sigh.. gonna miss them. "Issa, Ah Ku loves youuuuu!!"


Unfortunately again, i don't think it's reciprocated. The night before she left, she actually found time to slut around with my 1st sister's boyfriend...

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Caught In the Act!!!

Kids these days, they really grow up fast. =P


Well luckily, my two best friends knew it was gonna happen and actually came down on Sunday to comfort and console me. (They obviously knew how slutty my niece was and that it's just a matter of time before she breaks my tiny fragile heart) *JOKING*

Jasper was delighted to see them as well, actually, he was so delighted that he tried to pee on both of them! Speaking of him.. here's some more pictures of the cute adorable one.

Jasper beside his (old) pee tray

Him with Mr Cuddly. Turns out he ain't just cuddly, he's also bitably the best size for Jasper.

Jasper up front with his one eye jack saying hi. =P

Baby Jasper before his head gets wet.

After getting wet all over, he looks so diminutive beside the shampoo!

hmm?

Whatcha looking at!

Quite like this picture, the high head room adds volume to his look of melancholy.

Some effects that i tried to do to salvage the lousy photos.

Jasper in a pool of artistic effect flooring. (No! It's not a pool of water!)

Jasper in a shade of grey.

Hmm... i can't decide which one to keep. Any comments?

So my friends came and Jo brought along some photo albums for us to reminiscence the good ole' days. Gosh, time flies and suddenly we are already in our twenties looking back on our Secondary school days.

Mahjong was up next that lazy Sunday afternoon. Haha, i love playing mahjong with them cos it's really in a slow pace and we can chat about everything under the sun. It's not too taxing on the wallet as well because we only play 10 cents / 20 cents. Hehee, your's truly was the big winner that day.. i didn't calculate how much i won but it's probably around $4 - $5, not forgetting the last round when i won with a full tile set drawn by myself. I would've gotten another $6 but i didn't collect it from them. That's playing with true friends, it's not the money that matters but the company.

Jo was supposed to be on diet but... haha, she got a craving for Japanese food thus she suggested to go Miramar Hotel where they have this Japanese Restaurant that serves ultra good quality ala carte style buffet. Hmm... how could a greedy piggie like me resist? =P

But before heading off, we did a bit of.... Photo Whoring!!!

My cute baby Jasper.

All three loving the cam treatment.

Me teaching Jasper to look suave. =P

So on with the Jap Restaurant!

We were supposed to take pictures of all the wonder food there... however, hehee, we were just too hungry!! The only picture that managed to get taken by itself was the starter dish. It's basically just raw salmon but the sauce that's included is just so delicious! It's something mixed with ume (plume) that just blends together with the salmon meat. I swear, it's happiness in a mouthful! =P

Food aside, once we ate to our heart's content there was no stopping the photo taking and camera whoring.

Smiling for the camera, warm sake in sight. Oops!

Trying to do those act cute, camera on top to make you look nicer pose... rather unsuccessful. Xiaxue, how you do it wan?!

Group photo taken by a helpful staff.

Another cheesy photo. =P So can imagine whenever i do a cheeky smiley my face is actually like this. Awful..


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Ever wonder how our photo taking session is like, say for example how the above picture got taken? No fret! I've even got it on video! =X

And lately because i've got nothing better to do and was thinking of stretching my photo-editing skills.. here's some things i did. Comments pls!!

I've got some pretty crappy name for the pictures. This one's called 'Finally Jo'.

'Power Sam'

'Slurping Jon'

Also, can't decide on which picture is better... what do you think?
























Well, finally i'm done with the posting! But wait!! This is a double bill so that means there's gonna be another post, omg, so much to blog about!!! =P

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Love Proof

My love life is almost non-existence... so why do i still end up getting hurt and sad? I think i've made a pretty conscious effort not to fall head over heels, that i should wait for the right one to appear. I guess along the way i still manage to mess it up and fall for someone i shouldn't have.

When that happens... it feels like every love songs you hear on the radio is written specially for you. Two songs, singing the same things, about yearning for a love that can never be reciprocated..

Evanescence
Good Enough
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Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Carve my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.

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Video, songs and lyrics are copyrighted by Wind-up Records from the album "The Open Door".

Robyn
With Every Heartbeat
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Maybe we could make it all right
We could make it better sometime

Maybe we could make it happen baby
We could keep trying
but things will never change

So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back
Just a little, little bit better
Good enough to waste some time
Tell me would it make you happy baby

We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back

We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back

And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
It hurts with every heartbeat
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Video, songs and lyrics are copyrighted by Konichiwa Records from the album "Robyn". This is the record label set up by the singer herself to release her own songs, very cool indeed.

So why do we always end up going for something that is not within our reach? I think it's only human nature to want what we cannot have. But then again, it's also because of that persistence that we end up where we are today, high up in the evolution chain. Are we happier now then before? I can't be the judge of that but i can say we did excel, we did manage to achieve some of the things that was thought impossible before. So i will push on too, i believe only then will i one day be able to move ahead, to be evolutionized, and be to matured.


~I didn't want you from the start, not in that way... but somehow i just fell into you and it made every moment spent with you feels like a sublime bittersweet symphony. I had to break away else my heart will never learn to love again. Thanks for the memories and the blueberry gums~