BACK BacK back

Yes... i'm finally back.. i've come home to my sanctuary of sorts, the place where my mindless ramble settles and lay bare for all.

These past few months have been nothing spectacular, all just work and play pretend. To appear to all that i am fine, happy and content... where not a soul could understand the depths of my desolate being. So many things have happened and yet it felt like nothing is worth talking about. They feel just like... water, like when you try and gather them with both hands and irretrievably they slip.. away. It's all intangible, almost unreal.

Was hoping to start off with a happy entry... guess not. Tough luck for myself, bummer.

What will this year be like?

Gasp! I wan..

Lily Allen - The Fear

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and f@#kloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

Chorus
I don't know what’s right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I'm being taken over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and passing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I’m packing plastic
and that's what makes my life so f@#king fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
and its not my fault it's how I'm program to function
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

Chorus
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I’m being taken over by The Fear

Bridge
Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything is cool as long as I'm getting thinner

Chorus
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by fear

mindless tired ramblings

I'm happy for you; to know that you are doing well in your career. All thoughts of you are banished from my mind, well almost all, but from time to time the mind lingers. At this stage in my life, i wonder where is it that i'm heading towards. Am i really still that nonchalant carefree fella that's doing what his heart tells him or am i just a shrewd opportunist trying to squeeze every single drop of chance given to me? It's funny, was given a comment that i'm picking up your traits but irony is, i think you picked up more traits from him then me from you. Wet tissues to clean the dashboard, pulling out plastic covers from ktv remote controls, etc. Sometimes there's a tinge of pain just looking at him cos he reminds me of you and sometimes i look at him, wondering what were the qualities you liked about him and how you guys might have been the perfect couple. You messed up... big time. Now i'm wondering whether i'm gonna mess up big time as well. Never a good idea to mix friendship and work together, especially when it's someone as fucked up as myself. I seriously am not capable of handling stress, and most of the time, i don't even know i'm stressed until i descent into a breakdown. I don't want to be given a job out of pity and i seriously want to do well in this but all this time, i just feel so weighted down because of that internal fear that i'll let him down. The rambling continues, my mind needs to unwind...

Am i Eva or Peron?

[Peron:]
Dice are rolling, the knives are out
Would-be presidents are all around
I don't say they mean harm
But they'd each give an arm
To see us six feet underground

[Eva:]
It doesn't matter what those morons say
Our nation's leaders are a feeble crew
There's only twenty of them anyway
What is twenty next to millions who
Are looking to you?

All you have to do is sit and wait
Keeping out of everybody's way
We'll ... you'll be handed power on a plate
When the ones who matter have their say
And with chaos installed
You can reluctantly agree to be called

[Peron:]
There again we could be foolish not to quit while we're ahead
For distance lends enchantment, and that is why
All exiles are distinguished, more important, they're not dead
I could find job satisfaction in Paraguay

[Eva:]
This is crazy defeatist talk
Why commit political suicide, there's no risk
There's no call for any action at all
When you have unions on your side

[Workers:]
A new Argentina, the chains of the masses untied
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Cannot be denied

[Eva:]
There is only one man who can lead any workers' regime
He lives for your problems, he shares your ideals and your dream
He supports you, for he loves you
Understands you, is one of you
If not, how could he love me?

[Workers:]
A new Argentina, the workers' battle song
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Rings out loud and long

[Eva:]
Now I am a worker, I've suffered the way that you do
I've been unemployed, and I've starved and I've hated it too
But I found my salvation in Peron, may the nation
Let him save them as he saved me

[All:]
A new Argentina, a new age about to begin
A new Argentina, we face the world together
And no dissent within

[Peron:]
There again we could be foolish not to quit while we're ahead
I can see us many miles away, inactive
Sipping cocktails on a terrace, taking breakfast in bed
Sleeping easy, doing nothing, it's attractive

[Eva:]
Don't think I don't think like you
I often get those nightmares too
They always take some swallowing
Sometimes it's very difficult to keep momentum
If it's you that you are following
Don't close doors, keep an escape clause
Because we might lose the Big Apple

But would I have done what I did
If I hadn't thought, if I hadn't known
We would take the country

[Eva:]
Peron has resigned from the army and this we avow
The descamisados are those he is marching with now
He supports you, for he loves you
Understands you, is one of you
If not, how could he love me?

[All:]
A new Argentina, the chains of the masses untied
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Cannot be, and must not be denied

[Che:]
How annoying that they have to fight elections for their cause
The inconvenience, having to get a majority
If normal methods of persuasion fail to win them applause
There are other ways of establishing authority

[All:]
A new Argentina, the chains of the masses untied
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Cannot be, and will not be, and must not be denied.

running on positive mojo

It's been a strange week... my body feels out of sorta. Been sleeping way too much the past few days but everytime i wake up, a surge of positive adrenalin keeps rushing through my blood stream. Like a meter gauge that's slowly filling up, today it has finally reached it's optimum. Maybe it's the new job or maybe i have finally come to conciliation with my own soul but i feel young again, fresh again, green again. Like a child seeing the world for the first time, i have that sense of excitement and bewilderment. So many things to discover and so much to learn! I feel the thirst for knowledge and the yearning for enlightenment. For the first time in the longest while, my heart, mind and soul are headed in the same direction, racing hand in hand to a destination unknown. They no longer care nor fear, all they hear is the rapid beating of the muscular organ, a synchronized drum beat in anticipation of the journey ahead. An experience of a lifetime awaits, johnny boy.

Thankful

Christmas is coming soon and everyone's scurrying around. Making plans, having parties, buying presents. Feels like it's all too soon, i wanna hide underneath the blanket and wait for it to ride over... guess i'm becoming one of those anti-xmas types.

What i do believe in though is Thanksgiving, i believe in being grateful with what life has given me and i am extremely lucky to have made three new friends during that low low period of my life. I think it's time to give a proper thanks to these people.

First up is XE, for the mindless banters and chats on msn. Thanks for providing me an escape from my own thoughts and for allowing me to be silly. The unlikeliest of friends but strangely we gel, okay, maybe not that much in person, haha, but yeah, i really enjoy our msn sessions. It reminds me of a different side of myself that i haven't seen in a very long time and you reminds me of myself in certain ways, a younger, more upbeat and zany character with a devil-may-care attitude to life. Thanks for allowing me to realize that all is not lost and for resurfacing that little part of myself that holds the magical sparkle in my eyes.

Then there's CFRD, another out of this world character, at least from my universe. Definitely the most unlikeliest of friends but somehow we became, guess chance and circumstance really came into play here. Your friendship and company is like a much needed whiff of fresh air into my then otherwise dull and depressive state of affairs. Thanks for making me realize that the man i love was actually never in love with me in the first place. It's a painful lesson to learn but something i needed to know in order for me to move on.. and only you were able to show me that. The irony of it all, yes, in my spite and anger, i would've liked to see the expression on his face if he comes to know. Now that the feelings are muted, i don't really care.. and there's less talk about him so a shift in our dynamics was a definite course of action. We have created a friendship out of that strange bond, for that i am thankful. At least some good came out of it eh? Lol. Though lately there's been certain problems and doubts but i certainly do not want to give up on this friendship, time will be a good factor to judge all things. Here's to 2009.

Lastly there's Ginger. Thanks for making me believe in love again, although at the moment i am incapable of showing any. We are still pretty far from anything but to have the opportunity of knowing you, i really have to thank the angels above for looking after me. Your companionship is sincerely appreciated, so much so that at times i worry about hurting you instead. Thanks for entrusting me with your confidence and for allowing me to be your confidant. I look forward to what the next year will bring forth for us. =)

So there, the three people who will end my 2008 with a blast. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Memories

Nearly lost my phone a couple days ago but thankfully the cab driver who found my handphone returned it to me. During the couple of hours that i had time to reflect, i came to the conclusion that although the lost of contact would really be troublesome, the one thing that will really be painful to part with was a video clip that i hadn't managed to back up on my computer yet... my awkward auntie voice saying, "sing louder huh..", your tiny slitted eyes, the furry white bianca, the twinkling snowflake hanging on your mirror, our road trip moment.. never would i have thought then it would end, all at the crashing moment.

The memories, together with others, i'm slowing laying them to rest. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, feelings fade but memories remain.

Two Exhibitions

It has been a while since i've involved myself with any form of photography. Mainly because of my sense of inferiority that distanced myself from this passion of mine. Chance would have it that these two exhibitions approach me, beckoning me to look, feel and connect with the images presented.

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Doubleness - Chang Chien-Chi

A documentary photographer, Chang Chien-Chi explores the view of human connectivity in an assortment of projects spanning over countries and over time.

What really touches me about his works is the raw, unabashed look that splays all across the photography. Not some cutting edge grit nor candy floss pretty, it just simply exists in its form, naked to the beholder.

Many thoughts were conjured in my mind as i looked over the photographs through the carefully planned space and lighting constructed to accommodate this exhibition. Emotions surged within my soul as i observed the "The Chain". Moving from one picture to another, my mind was in overload when i suddenly turned around to notice the life size portraits encompassing the entire art space, the magnitude overwhelms me.

The idea of distance between human; the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of it... just like a mantra i have been repeating to myself again and again, "You are not two souls intertwine but two souls inter-related..." Sigh, how i long to find a complete image of love and not just doubleness of a fragment (of that elusive image).

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Voom - Robert Wilson

I came across the interview with Robert Wilson on Prime Time Morning while traveling to work one day. A renowned theatre director, Robert Wilson was always fascinated by portraits, partly due to his lineage to a long line of painters in his family.

Not having the talents of paintbrush and canvas board, Robert took the idea of portraits to the next level. By incorporating his knowledge of lighting and drama while using the medium of film. he create moving stills, live portraits of well known socialites in various forms of pose. While some remain still as a monolith to the unobservant, others playfully tempt and tease with unexpected movements and antics.

Colours in the portraits are vivid and rich, the composition flawless and the lighting spectacular. Backgrounds were used specifically to tastefully accentuate or compliment the subject matter. It is exactly this kind of photography that i would aspire to achieve... to create a world full of memorable colours and cheeky expressions.

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I'm not going into details here because i have been known to be long-winded but more importantly, whoever out there that is reading this... i would want you to go experience it for yourself, for my craftsmanship in writing can never do justice to the individual artist's work. My words are merely a window into my own experience. Now what your soul yearns to do is to experience for itself.

What i will leave behind is my favourite piece of art there, 'Boris'.

For... i am a tickling beauty in the form of a prickly cutie. =P

Eternity

You'll be there... always away from me.
And i'll be here, always a distance from you.

"You were there for summer dreaming,
And you gave me what I need.
And I hope you'll find your freedom,
For eternity, for eternity."

I can finally feel the distance between us..
and this image is the perfect reflection of how i feel now.
The loneliness is getting easier to deal with
and i am finally embracing my independence.
The nightmares have finally faded away into the dark recess of my mind
while the siren's song of reminiscence, of love so pure and true, i can no longer hear...
I'm sadden by this fact but you would be glad to know,
I have finally moved on.

I who have nothing

it's been a while.. a month and a half to be exact.

Truth of the matter is, i still can't get over you, over us.

I have been fighting. I have been trying to be brave... chin up, head high, out there facing the world alone. I hang out with my friends and i try meeting new guys, i make the effort to mentally banished every thoughts of you, yet somehow or rather... you are always at the back of my mind.

When i am at my weakest, my feet will always carry me to your place where i seat at your doorstep, alone in the dark and breathe in your scent that permeates the corridor. There i reminiscence about our past and think about what should've been. What could i have done to make things work? Did i really give in my all? There i convince myself to gather up my strength, take in the good times, forget about the bad times and just let everything go, move on with my life... easier said then done.

I am but only human.

You asked me why i apologize and said there's nothing to be sorry about... but there is. I apologize because i am weak, for being weak and for being vulnerable in front of you. I've made a point never to be vulnerable in front of others, you have your pride and i have mine... To unabashedly show up on your doorstep, uninvited, unwelcome... i have a lot to be apologetic for. I don't have much to give.. and as my way of saying sorry, i try to give back a fragment of our memory because i do not know what else i can do...

All the other times you were not there... i would seat by myself, slowly contemplating. I would fantasize about you coming back and finding me there by your doorstep and the scene thereafter would always be the same... i'll stand up, gather my things and walk down the stairs without saying a word to you. I guess real life situation is always different.

So there i am, a silent stalker. Someone who is furtively hanging on to the threads, threads of our past, our memories, of you. I hate myself for not being able to get over all this, i hate not being able to stand strong... what's wrong with me? WHY do i keep hanging on to the past!!

How much you mean in my heart... i am only beginning to understand.

I who have nothing can only give my heart, while you... who wants everything have no interest in what i have to offer.

Rest assured... i am trying my darn hardest to pick myself up. The demons that comes to haunt shall someday be slain and the phoenix within will once again rise from its own ashes. For now, allow me to do what i does best... deconstruction / self-destruction.

I am but only a scorpio.

Wake Up Call

Forget it johnny boy, why get so agitated... don't let your past haunt you, if not you will never recover. Don't hang on to the sweet memories anymore because it only makes the bad ones even harder to forget. It's time to grow up and be mature about things.

Lies

I told a big lie a couple of days ago... not really sure what to think of it but one thing i know for sure... this will be the catalyst for things to come. It'll be the end... it has to be.

Courage or Stupidity

My mind is in a mess...

A New Chapter

Been doing some thinking...

I know it has ended, we are only friends with no chance of getting back. Somehow i am unable to breakaway, my mantra of two souls apart hasn't been working out too well for me lately. There needs to be an absolution and during one period, i was given the option. Unfortunately i was unable to accept it, stubbornly refusing to give it all up. Perhaps it was indeed my mistake and we both ended up paying for it.

I need to be stronger, be a man about it. Ironic, i was just telling a friend that i don't even consider myself a big boy at this age (in terms of maturity), yet now, i have to quickly learn the role of a man.

Come the 6th of August, everything will change and a new chapter will opens up for me.. and for him.

Disturbed

I used to have a stray dog once, his name was Xylus. Met him at my void deck one day. he was so cheerful, running around, trying to befriend anyone who'll play with him. I asked if he was keen to follow me home and he smiled. So it started, our friendship of 6 weeks.

Turns out he wasn't just a normal dog. Years of abandonment by several owners and abused by some, Xylus carried with him a heavy baggage. I took it on unknowingly, yet i cared and loved him as i would my child. At times, it pains me to see how the years of emotional scarring affects his life.

He was very much a puppy at heart with very good temperament, always ready to please but there was a dark side too. Sometimes, out of the blue, while playing in the living room, he would sudden hide under the sofa and refuse to come out. His gaze would sink deeper within himself with an aura of gloom building over. It's almost as if he's recalling something from his past, some dark ominous cloud that would just settle right above him.

Attempts to get him to come out would only serve to make him withdraw deeper into himself and once, when i tried to go near and physically pull him out, he gave a deep guttural growl, teeth baring. As my hand went inches from his face, he snapped and went at me. I remember my shock and hurt from being emotionally pushed away by him. The crazed look he had on his face was so contrasting to the loving gaze he gave whenever i cuddle him in my arms.

It seems that no matter how much love i showered him, it could never take away the years of pain and sadness that he had suffered before meeting me.

A recent incident sudden made me remember Xylus. I, too, am suddenly having to face the demons of my past.. re-

I can be happy and cheerful at one moment and suddenly bitter and sad in the next. Painful memory keeps visiting me like the ghosts before Christmas, flashbacks of what has been replaying continuously in my mind, the floodgate of remembrance keep gushing out and my will is unable to stop it.

So now it has become my turn to go through what my poor dog has to experience. As the dark clouds gathers and the rain starts pouring, i give a silent prayer.. hoping not to drown.

human

What if... all in a day, the person whom you thought you knew suddenly becomes a total stranger? What if... the life you've been living is a sham, a visage of former glory spiraling downwards into total oblivion? What if... God comes to you in a different form, to give you grace instead of condemnation?

As i suddenly open up my mind's eye, as i slowly awake from my former sublime state.. lucidity sets in and all i can do is scream in silent horror... "oh god, what have i done!?!"

Before & After

Okay, i'm probably the worse photo editor around, i know, i know, not that much changes to the photos... oh well, i'm still getting there. =P

Happy Tree Friends

Is it just me or has my blog become somewhat of a negative space? I simply refuse to let this continue on... i'm moving on, evolving` and creating another blog. Yes, a happy blog, as happy as one can be.. maybe as cheerful as Happy Tree Friends, it's sordid but nice..