Back Shopping

Back Shopping

Just came back from 'shopping'... came back with a heap of bags.

There's Chemistry by fate, Worries by insecurities & self-doubt, L.oV.e by tenderness and Hope by Him + Future.

How did Fate happen, no one knows exactly. He supposedly never or seldom sends a heart out to anyone on Fridae but i strongly recall him being the initiator of the heart services. Either way, i became the more proactive party after receiving the heart. Two simple reasons being... he's a fotographer and he's cute (my kinda cute anyway).

I wouldn't say we have the best Chemistry ever but the feeling was comfortable and we were companionable.. an unspoken affinity between two desperately lonely souls.

So the emotions envelop and engulf me, leaving me giddy and wayward. I stand by the walkway looking straight ahead but nothing keeps still, my path continues to waver. Insecurities and Self-doubt diffuses itself from the surroundings and slowly seep into my very being. Worries, i now have a bag load to offer.

First off from the worry department is the inferiority complex. He is so much better then i deserve, better education, difference in upbringing, difference in lifestyle, etc etc. Not that it's anything unusual, i often get that feeling when i'm with others but it's still an emotion that has to be reined in or fear losing control of. At the end of the day, i suppose it's how confident you are about yourself. At the moment i'm slowing building up on mine.

One of my biggest fear is being cheated on and lied upon. It begin from my parents who have since divorced and since then, left a huge scar on my mind and in my heart. I'll rather give up on the relationship then allow myself to get cheated upon. For this case, i worry he'll cheat on me because i never had the sense of security being with him. Never once has he openly given me the reassurance. I suppose that's his way of showing that we have to trust one another. That and the fact that he was dating somebody else before knowing me, i often wonder if i would share the same fate...

His friendly demeanor towards acquaintances / netizens push drive my fear and jealously while his open'ness' about himself only serves to pick at my suspicion, i find it hard to trust him when he lies so well. I've seen how effortless he tells white lies whenever he's running late and wonder with his open'ness' towards me i would've lower my guards so as to when he wants to lie, it would be so simple because i'd have been so trusting of him by then.

I've overstepped the line between open'ness' and invading into his privacy, i've lost his trust. Due to my inability to trust and put faith in both him and myself. Would he understand, would he trust me again? I hope so... the only thing i can do now is to earn back that trust. It's tough, having to fight my own distrust and learning to trust again. That's just my own pessimistic thinking at work, something i've been trying really hard to change.

His Love has shone through the dark of night, i am taken by the Tenderness we share. It has been a wonderful month full of joy and happiness, we both deserve it. I'm sure there will be many more to come and i look forward towards our future ahead. That's the Hope he has given me.

It's funny how in one of his back entries, he mentioned something about needing to "feel comforted, assured, wanted and desired. Not just a tag along, a last minute decision, a late night arrangement, a phone call." and i was just feeling the same way myself. For the past month i have taken the back seat and put myself out of the way for him. I accommodated my schedule for him and did things his way but it made me feel so expendable. I was making him happy at the expense of myself at times. As and when he wants me, i'm there. He wants to squeeze me in a game mahjong and expects me to company him... i'll do. I do it only because i love him but sometimes it upsets me to think that he hasn't spared a thought for my feelings. I ain't exactly having a ball of a time watch him play mahjong the whole night away.

As the time comes for us to separate, spend less waking hours with each other... it's also time for me to be selfish and think more for myself. I'll still want to company him for mahjong, but only when i have the time and only if that's the only way i can get to spend time with him after an entire week of absence. I feel that this new change will be a test for both of us, a test of Commitment and Faith, of Love and Trust, of Compromise and enduring Companionship.