BACK BacK back

Yes... i'm finally back.. i've come home to my sanctuary of sorts, the place where my mindless ramble settles and lay bare for all.

These past few months have been nothing spectacular, all just work and play pretend. To appear to all that i am fine, happy and content... where not a soul could understand the depths of my desolate being. So many things have happened and yet it felt like nothing is worth talking about. They feel just like... water, like when you try and gather them with both hands and irretrievably they slip.. away. It's all intangible, almost unreal.

Was hoping to start off with a happy entry... guess not. Tough luck for myself, bummer.

What will this year be like?

Gasp! I wan..

Lily Allen - The Fear

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and f@#kloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

Chorus
I don't know what’s right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I'm being taken over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and passing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I’m packing plastic
and that's what makes my life so f@#king fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
and its not my fault it's how I'm program to function
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

Chorus
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I’m being taken over by The Fear

Bridge
Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything is cool as long as I'm getting thinner

Chorus
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by fear

mindless tired ramblings

I'm happy for you; to know that you are doing well in your career. All thoughts of you are banished from my mind, well almost all, but from time to time the mind lingers. At this stage in my life, i wonder where is it that i'm heading towards. Am i really still that nonchalant carefree fella that's doing what his heart tells him or am i just a shrewd opportunist trying to squeeze every single drop of chance given to me? It's funny, was given a comment that i'm picking up your traits but irony is, i think you picked up more traits from him then me from you. Wet tissues to clean the dashboard, pulling out plastic covers from ktv remote controls, etc. Sometimes there's a tinge of pain just looking at him cos he reminds me of you and sometimes i look at him, wondering what were the qualities you liked about him and how you guys might have been the perfect couple. You messed up... big time. Now i'm wondering whether i'm gonna mess up big time as well. Never a good idea to mix friendship and work together, especially when it's someone as fucked up as myself. I seriously am not capable of handling stress, and most of the time, i don't even know i'm stressed until i descent into a breakdown. I don't want to be given a job out of pity and i seriously want to do well in this but all this time, i just feel so weighted down because of that internal fear that i'll let him down. The rambling continues, my mind needs to unwind...

Am i Eva or Peron?

[Peron:]
Dice are rolling, the knives are out
Would-be presidents are all around
I don't say they mean harm
But they'd each give an arm
To see us six feet underground

[Eva:]
It doesn't matter what those morons say
Our nation's leaders are a feeble crew
There's only twenty of them anyway
What is twenty next to millions who
Are looking to you?

All you have to do is sit and wait
Keeping out of everybody's way
We'll ... you'll be handed power on a plate
When the ones who matter have their say
And with chaos installed
You can reluctantly agree to be called

[Peron:]
There again we could be foolish not to quit while we're ahead
For distance lends enchantment, and that is why
All exiles are distinguished, more important, they're not dead
I could find job satisfaction in Paraguay

[Eva:]
This is crazy defeatist talk
Why commit political suicide, there's no risk
There's no call for any action at all
When you have unions on your side

[Workers:]
A new Argentina, the chains of the masses untied
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Cannot be denied

[Eva:]
There is only one man who can lead any workers' regime
He lives for your problems, he shares your ideals and your dream
He supports you, for he loves you
Understands you, is one of you
If not, how could he love me?

[Workers:]
A new Argentina, the workers' battle song
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Rings out loud and long

[Eva:]
Now I am a worker, I've suffered the way that you do
I've been unemployed, and I've starved and I've hated it too
But I found my salvation in Peron, may the nation
Let him save them as he saved me

[All:]
A new Argentina, a new age about to begin
A new Argentina, we face the world together
And no dissent within

[Peron:]
There again we could be foolish not to quit while we're ahead
I can see us many miles away, inactive
Sipping cocktails on a terrace, taking breakfast in bed
Sleeping easy, doing nothing, it's attractive

[Eva:]
Don't think I don't think like you
I often get those nightmares too
They always take some swallowing
Sometimes it's very difficult to keep momentum
If it's you that you are following
Don't close doors, keep an escape clause
Because we might lose the Big Apple

But would I have done what I did
If I hadn't thought, if I hadn't known
We would take the country

[Eva:]
Peron has resigned from the army and this we avow
The descamisados are those he is marching with now
He supports you, for he loves you
Understands you, is one of you
If not, how could he love me?

[All:]
A new Argentina, the chains of the masses untied
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Cannot be, and must not be denied

[Che:]
How annoying that they have to fight elections for their cause
The inconvenience, having to get a majority
If normal methods of persuasion fail to win them applause
There are other ways of establishing authority

[All:]
A new Argentina, the chains of the masses untied
A new Argentina, the voice of the people
Cannot be, and will not be, and must not be denied.

running on positive mojo

It's been a strange week... my body feels out of sorta. Been sleeping way too much the past few days but everytime i wake up, a surge of positive adrenalin keeps rushing through my blood stream. Like a meter gauge that's slowly filling up, today it has finally reached it's optimum. Maybe it's the new job or maybe i have finally come to conciliation with my own soul but i feel young again, fresh again, green again. Like a child seeing the world for the first time, i have that sense of excitement and bewilderment. So many things to discover and so much to learn! I feel the thirst for knowledge and the yearning for enlightenment. For the first time in the longest while, my heart, mind and soul are headed in the same direction, racing hand in hand to a destination unknown. They no longer care nor fear, all they hear is the rapid beating of the muscular organ, a synchronized drum beat in anticipation of the journey ahead. An experience of a lifetime awaits, johnny boy.