Suspend in disbelief

Something horrible happened earlier this week.. so disgusting and vile, it leaves a bitter taste in my throat. Perhaps i'm still reeling from it. I feel like i'm halfway through a bungee jump, suspended in mid-air, time standing chillingly still as i hear my own heart beating... and strangely it's beating as it should, no faster nor slower then it used to, and i wonder..

I now wonder whether things would be better off if it just ended the way it should... a simple keep in touch, constant flirting on msn whenever bored, an occasional call when either one is feeling mischievous... that'll probably save a lot of heartache and pain.

I wonder... of all the ones out there, some worse, some better, some cuter, some uglier, some fitter, some chubbier, some younger, some older... why me... why am i the one to be chosen?

After all the horror of the week... i am alone, i should be peaceful and content but no... i don't feel that way. I am numb by it all, my energy draining in an excruciating slow trickle... by unanswered questions, unresolved issues and oh, my favourite poison of late... sweet sweet jealousy.

Welcome back, Jasca. The blues you've been singing shall finally be heard.

Sigh.. I long to return to simpler times..

love is..

i've always believe in equality within a relationship, be it a friendship or love but recently I'm finding the balance being tilted more and more. When you give, you expect the person to return. When you listen, you expect the person to offer a listening ear back. Sometimes it just isn't the case. I often wonder, "Is it selfish of me to have the kind of expectation of others?" Especially when you think about love and what love means..

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."

'A Walk To Remember'

Would i ever learn to achieve this kind of love for others, especially to the ones i hold dear to my heart?

disappointed.

"why is it that when two person falls in love, there always has to be one who falls harder?"

It was a case of the issue behind the argument that's bigger then the argument itself. Did you take the time to try and understand why i was acting the way i was? I'm a big dumb dumb... i didn't fully realize it when we were arguing, only a couple of hours later when i shared my feelings to others that i realize what was happening and why i reacted the way i did.. but i remember trying to convey it out to you, in whatever impractical ways (sulking) i know of. You didn't have the patience for me... you didn't want to accept my point of view... it would be so different if it was the other way round, remember the food argument? It was exactly like that.

I didn't have the strength to push my point thru, i guess then i didn't even know what my point was but you're the clever one, shouldn't you already second guessed me to it? Even now i'm being childish but the damage's been done and i'm the one left in a corner, ignored... even though i wasn't in the wrong. it's tiring for me too and i hate being ignored... all that's left now is me feeling disappointed and extremely drained.

A dog's life

Jasper had to undergo an operation to have his balls cut off and i had the opportunity to scrub in and watch the entire procedure because the vet is a personal friend of mine. I must say it's an overall cool experience, the closest i'll ever get to observing an operation.

Alot of people have been asking me why i wanna neuter him so here's the top 3 reasons i could think of...

Number 3
Neutering him before he reaches adulthood will stop him from ever attaining undesirable habits such as marking (that is peeing every 5 steps he takes when you bring the dog out for walks), being territorial and aggressive.

Number 2
Neutering before he turns one year old will ensure that he attains the health benefits that comes along with not having sex hormones, such as cancer. That's what i've been told.

Number 1
Jasper has undescended testicles, which means he's 3 times more likely to kena testicular cancer. It is also highly recommended by vets to remove it as it poses serious health threats to the dog.

On a different topic... it's kind of a warped thought but I don't suppose i'll ever get the chance to observe a woman in the operating theatre giving birth to my child so watching Jasper having his testicles removed is the next best thing..

My boy after being heavily sedated, (took alot to him concussed!) tied up and
inserted with an oxygen tube/pump down his throat.

A close up picture of Jasper sedated.. ain't he cute!
(I know, I'm a sicko)

Sterilizing him before the operation.

That's iodine (i think..) that they're using on his tummy.
(Jo, care to explain what the iodine's for? =P)
Then they use alcohol to clean the area again.

Here we go!

YikeS! He's cutting him up like sushi!

Extremely sharp clamps to hold the surgery area in place.

Having a hard time trying to find the testicles...

The first one found after roughly 15-20 minutes into the surgery.

Clamping tight to the second one ready for the knife!


And the second one is out!

The two balls side by side. One is actually smaller then the other.

Trying to soak up blood before stitching back the wound.

Doc to Nurse : Where's the piece of rag i left just now?

Doc: Aww shit, gotta open the wound to remove my bloody rag again!
(Just kidding~ but kinda reminded me of that episode in Grey's Anatomy)

All stitched up. See the 'pinches' left behind by the clamps? 'Ouch!'

All closed up. It actually looks like a pig's skin that people use to cook stews in.

The nurse giving Jasper some much needed TLC.

Jasper : What have you done to my BaLLs!! Argh, my precious!!!

Jasper : Somemore still have to get stuck with this cone thinG?!

No wonder he's all depressed. =/

Today am gonna bring him to have his stitches removed. It'll be 2 weeks since his surgery. The wound looks a bit like this last week..



Was just checking up on it earlier on and it seems to be not healing up too well. A bit of bacteria and dirt down there as well... oh no.. i hope nothing bad happens when i see the vet tomorrow. Got a feeling that I'll be scolded by my friend. hmm.. wait till next time to know the results!

Awake to smell the flowers

My identity for 3 months, this has got to be my worse job ever.. i've totally and absolutely managed to single-handedly fuck it up. Thinking back, the job isn't so bad. If i was the same person that i was 5 years back, i would've took on to the job pretty well and made a good career out of it.

I think my priorities have changed over the past 5 years and i no longer see the same picture everyone else around me is seeing. I don't think i see that motivation to work hard in a job just so i can move ahead, climb higher up the corporate ladder, make more money anymore... instead, i see myself wanting to spend more time with my love ones, trying to slow down the pace to start appreciating what's around me, learning to take the simple pleasures in life and making it a joyous celebration of life, more importantly, learning to look deep within myself... not to realize the man i want to be but rather, to find the man that i already am inside.

Blame it on the Army, Blame it on the Alcohol, Blame it on Love, Blame it on my Family, Blame it on my Lil' Doggie, Blame it on Myself... but yes my friends, i have become a hippie, a social outcast on a journey towards life.


Hippie : a person, esp. of the late 1960s, who rejected established institutions and values and sought spontaneity, direct personal relations expressing love, and expanded consciousness, often expressed externally in the wearing of casual, folksy clothing and of beads, headbands, used garments, etc.


( Definitely me sans the sense of style. )