I who have nothing

it's been a while.. a month and a half to be exact.

Truth of the matter is, i still can't get over you, over us.

I have been fighting. I have been trying to be brave... chin up, head high, out there facing the world alone. I hang out with my friends and i try meeting new guys, i make the effort to mentally banished every thoughts of you, yet somehow or rather... you are always at the back of my mind.

When i am at my weakest, my feet will always carry me to your place where i seat at your doorstep, alone in the dark and breathe in your scent that permeates the corridor. There i reminiscence about our past and think about what should've been. What could i have done to make things work? Did i really give in my all? There i convince myself to gather up my strength, take in the good times, forget about the bad times and just let everything go, move on with my life... easier said then done.

I am but only human.

You asked me why i apologize and said there's nothing to be sorry about... but there is. I apologize because i am weak, for being weak and for being vulnerable in front of you. I've made a point never to be vulnerable in front of others, you have your pride and i have mine... To unabashedly show up on your doorstep, uninvited, unwelcome... i have a lot to be apologetic for. I don't have much to give.. and as my way of saying sorry, i try to give back a fragment of our memory because i do not know what else i can do...

All the other times you were not there... i would seat by myself, slowly contemplating. I would fantasize about you coming back and finding me there by your doorstep and the scene thereafter would always be the same... i'll stand up, gather my things and walk down the stairs without saying a word to you. I guess real life situation is always different.

So there i am, a silent stalker. Someone who is furtively hanging on to the threads, threads of our past, our memories, of you. I hate myself for not being able to get over all this, i hate not being able to stand strong... what's wrong with me? WHY do i keep hanging on to the past!!

How much you mean in my heart... i am only beginning to understand.

I who have nothing can only give my heart, while you... who wants everything have no interest in what i have to offer.

Rest assured... i am trying my darn hardest to pick myself up. The demons that comes to haunt shall someday be slain and the phoenix within will once again rise from its own ashes. For now, allow me to do what i does best... deconstruction / self-destruction.

I am but only a scorpio.