Splat!

I don't really know how to say this... but i think for the first time in a relationship, i am scared. I am scared because i feel that this is the last of me, a tiny fragment of what i was, a tiny fragment of myself that hasn't fell apart and broken away from me. I have given too much of myself away and what's left of me, sometimes even i am shocked by what i see, surprised at the stranger that i've become.

If you've noticed..i have become very quiet recently but for me, i don't feel that i'm quiet, i am just very cautious... cautious of my actions and cautious of my words... because i'm tired.. tired of having another senseless argument, tired of tripping over your emotional threads, tired of being witty, tired of being accused, tired of being wrong.. all the time.

So after movies i keep my mouth shut... every questions or comments made by you suddenly becomes a flashback of all the arguments we have about it. Me not being substantial in my comments on the movies seen... i'm sorry darling, i thought it was just casual talks, not some debating issue where i have to take a side and argue the hell out of it. I must've been stupid cos it seems that i am always wrong.


I've made things all about you.. it's what you wanted, isn't it?

Every single time we have an argument, you somehow have the incredible ability to twist the story... whatever i was previously upset about becomes an issue about you and you end up getting even more upset than myself and i, the previously upset person have to be forced to put aside whatever i'm upset about to cater to your temperamental needs.

You are selfish but in your mind, you think you are a very giving person. Certainly you wouldn't spare a thought to care for your friends or pay for my expenses outside but you don't realize that there's more to it then the physical stuff. You are selfish with your time and your needs. So many sacrifices and changes i've made for you... have you noticed?

Whenever we reach home, i'm the one who keeps our slippers and sandals away.. do you say thank you?

Whenever you are hungry, i'll always be the one to walk to the nearest food stall to buy you lunch cos you are too lazy to do so.. do you really appreciate it?

Whenever i'm in Clementi and you ask me to come over to Joo Chiat cos you're lonely... i do it because i love you.. do you REALLY appreciate it?

You didn't like it when i kept asking you where you were and what you are doing right? Have you seen me do it often lately?

I mentioned to you to give me a sms half an hour after i gave you your wake up call to ensure that you're awake right? Did you do it?

I asked you to send me a sms at 5pm to let me know where you are so i could know where to meet up with you for dinner right? Did you do it?

Both times i had to be the one to call you to ask... did i get angry, did i say it to your face? No, because i know you'll get defensive and hurt and blame it on me anyway... no .. i didn't want an argument, not a losing battle i want to fight for.

So we met up and you told me that we're gonna watch a movie with a bunch of your friends after dinner. It was all arranged in the afternoon and the tickets are already brought. Sigh.. you must be thinking contently to yourself that you've done something good for me... but no, my dear, you're wrong. Wrong because you failed to realize that you've only served to make yourself happy but not me. This isn't the first time something like this happens... you always make plans for me without my approval. Were you to ask how i am doing... you'll know that i am pretty tired out the past few days and i just want a quiet night with you for dinner. I have a beach outing the next day at 10am and so i want to have an early rest. I can't even classify it as good intentions because it has happened wayy too many times and it only leads me to conclude that you don't consider my feelings at all when it comes to planning of your schedule. I am just slotted and fitted in where ever you see suits YOUR interest best. That is called selfish. To have the story turned and told that i'm the heartless one for not appreciating your good intentions... when you don't even bother to call me to ask or take time to REALLY consider what i REALLY want or need... irony...


I used to think that i was the one who was always being emotional and that was what is draining us out... i'm starting to think otherwise lately.. i think you are the one carrying the paper heart around. You coupled that fragile emotional psyche of yours' with your intellect and you start analyzing and arguing and getting upset... more upset... even more upset... that you've slowly withdrawn into yourself. I can't pull you out from there... and it's tiring me, more every single day. I need to stop ranting and go to sleep..

... Baby, whatever it is.. I Love You.. i really want to work it out... make it happen between us... just that at this point i'm really drained... i need time to recuperate..